


would you be so kind as to fall in love with me?

by shuaesthetic



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood Friends to Lovers, Christmas Season, Crack, Fluff and Humor, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, jeonghan and jihoon are platonic soulmates, so much pining y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:16:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23066851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuaesthetic/pseuds/shuaesthetic
Summary: Jeonghan's been head over heels in love with Joshua for an eternity now, but obviously he won't confess because there's no way Joshua actually likes him back right?(If you strain your ears enough, you can hear Jihoon sighing in the background.)Alternatively: Jeonghan's stupidly whipped, Joshua loves his books, and Jihoon deserves payment for his sufferings.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 39
Kudos: 216





	1. maybe i'm too busy being yours to fall for someone new

**Author's Note:**

> ah yes another jihan au because i absolutely crave those.
> 
> anyways i would like to mention that this fic has slight mentions and hints of eating disorders !! it's very slight and it's there for like, a single chapter but pls be cautious guys !!
> 
> i lowkey wanted this to be more angsty but i couldn't without getting triggered since i too have a dark history with eds :( but yea this fic is mostly humor and crack and all that fluffy goodness :) hope you enjoy !!

Jeonghan thought that when Joshua brought him to the library to study for their mid-term exams, they wouldn't _actually_ be studying. He hoped they would talk like they always do, staring into each other's eyes, and slowly but surely they would lean forward, finally finding home in each other's lips.

Alas, wishful thinking had always been his downfall.

The clock was slowly inching towards midnight, and Jeonghan swears that if he so much as glances at another page of his psychology notes, his brain might literally combust. Joshua, on the other hand, was intently reading his English literature notes again and again; Jeonghan just _knows_ he copied from someone because, like Jeonghan, Joshua loathes studying, but unlike Jeonghan, he actually has some sort of desire to pass his class.

After a few more minutes of staring at his best friend, at Joshua's soft, brown hair and his tan skin glowing under the soft lighting of the library's chandeliers, the endearing way Joshua scrunches his nose in concentration and chews at his pen, Jeonghan's certain that if he has to sit in his wooden chair any longer his sad excuse for an ass would be flatter than a chopping board. Getting up and sauntering over to Joshua, he quietly taps his shoulder, silently pleading for them to leave. The other boy simply offers him a smile, motioning for him to wait a few more minutes.

Sighing, Jeonghan plops back down on his seat. He could never bring himself to say no to Joshua.

××××××

"Hong Jisoo, I swear to God, if you make me sit another seven hours in that godforsaken library to _study_ , I will not hesitate to cut all ties with you."

Joshua snorts at the use of his Korean name, covering his mouth with his hand in that absolutely precious way of his. "Jeonghan, seriously, we need to pass our classes remember? That's how college works after all, so stop whining. It's too early in the day for this kind of negativity. Plus," Joshua says with a smug smile that Jeonghan wants to kiss off of his beautiful face. "You love me too much to cut ties with me, you _crusty_ batch of nature."

"Did you really just quote Shakespeare on me?" Jeonghan asks disbelievingly, only to have the younger boy flash him an innocent smile. "Jesus, Shua. First of all, I'm not whining, I'm _moderately bitching_ , which is completely acceptable given the fact it's almost 1 in the morning and we have to wake up for class for revision in a few hours," he says, rolling his eyes and blowing a strand of blonde hair off his face. "Secondly, it is _freezing_ and I honestly feel like my dick is about to fall off with all this snow, so please. And lastly, the only reason I haven't disappeared from your life completely is because you make amazing spaghetti, and pasta is not something I can give up that easily."

They continue bickering the rest of the way to their university's dorms, enjoying each other's company, until finally they part ways, all tired smiles, and _see you later's_ and _goodnight's_ , and once again Jeonghan wishes they could be more than this, wishes he could drag Joshua to his room while kicking out Jihoon, his roommate (though he's pretty sure once he wakes up in the morning after doing all those, ehem, _explicit_ things to Joshua, he'd wake up with Jihoon standing over him with his guitar raised, smiling and saying something like _sayonara bitch_ instead of Joshua sleeping soundly in his arms).

Shuddering at the disturbing thought, Jeonghan trudges the rest of the way to his dorm.

××××××

Jeonghan wakes up 4 and a half hours later from a series of _dings!_ coming from his phone, stirring him awake. He contemplates whether he should throw his phone across the room to make it shut up when a groaning Jihoon interrupts his train of thought, and a groaning Jihoon is never an easy thing to deal with, especially at 5 in the morning.

"Jeonghan," he grunts. "If you don't make your phone shut the fuck up I will personally smash it to pieces, so for the love of God, _please_ make it stop," Jihoon threathens, glaring from where he's crashed on the couch.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Jeonghan's mind finally catches up with what's happening and switches his phone to silent, then continues to stare quizzically at his roommate, who's about to settle back into the couch when his eyes meet Jeonghan's gaze.

"Do you need something?"

"No, it's just, why are you in my room?" Jeonghan points out. "There's not like, a dead body you're trying to hide in your room or anything, right?"

Jihoon frowns at him. "What? Of course not. Seungcheol's crashing in for tonight — he sensed that Junhui and Minghao were about to have sex with the way things were going and no one wants to see that, or hear that in Junhui's case," Jihoon replies half-incohorently, already falling back to sleep. "Also, I assumed you were gonna stay over at Joshua's place, since it was past midnight and you still weren't here, and frankly, your hormones have been way out of control lately."

Jeonghan flushes, not wanting to hear this from a guy who isn't much better off with his long-term crush than he is. Before Jeonghan could retort back, his phone lights up again, and knowing sleep has abandoned him, decides to check who would be messaging him this much at such an ungodly hour. Sighing, he isn't even the tiniest bit surprised when he finds out it's Seokmin, one of Joshua's roommates.

Today **5:42 am**

 **_seokmin_ **

> hyung

> hyungg

> pls reply

> ??

> you're not having some weird dream of joshua hyung again are you

> should i take a pic of him sleeping for you 

> you should be awake by now!

> oh god you didn't sleep too late did you?

> what time did you and shua hyung come back from the library omg

> enjoyed your little date? ;)

> okay but honestly

> JEONGHAN HYUNG

> :((

> hyung ,, pls

> i'm gonna cry 

> THIS IS IMPORTANT I SWEAR

**_me_ **

how important exactly <

**_seokmin_ **

> OH HEY

**_me_ **

hi ? <

is there a reason for you to have disrupted my peaceful slumber <

**_seokmin_ **

> look out your window!

**_me_ **

um okay <

are you perhaps talking the shitload of snow <

**_seokmin_ **

> EXACTLY 

> and the best part?

> i got a message and

> classes are cancelled for today !!

**_me_ **

praise the heavens finally <

wait <

seokmin this isn't a prank is it <

**_seokmin_ **

> of course not i'm offended

> i'm not like you 

> so ,, classes are canCELLED

> it's a christmas miracle 

**_me_ **

hate to break it to you but there's still two weeks till christmas <

but anyways <

thank god i can finally sleep in <

**_seokmin_ **

> well me and soonyoung and seungkwan are gonna go to the arcade today so maybe you can

> y'know

> sleep in with joshua hyung 

**_me_ **

ok bye <

wait can you bring jihoon to the arcade with you <

he's been extra grumpy lately <

i'm pretty sure it's because he hasn't been seeing soonyoung much <

**_seokmin_ **

> sure thing :)

> we'll come get him at 10 !!

Jeonghan grins, puts his phone down on his desk and without a second thought, pounces on Jihoon and shakes him awake.

"What the actual fu-" Jihoon starts, almost slapping Jeonghan's head off due to his surprise. "Jeonghan? What the fuck? Get off me please?" 

"Jihoon!" Jeonghan exclaims, a little too loudly, and Seungcheol can be heard mumbling down the hall. "Classes are cancelled today!"

Jihoon stops squirming from beneath him and sighs, looking him in the eye. "This isn't another one of your pranks right? The last time you told me there weren't any classes, I slept in for the whole day and when I went to class the next morning, I ended up missing 3 tests, and apparently, Seungkwan, Soonyoung, and Seokmin danced to Triple H in the cafeteria during lunch."

"Jesus. I apologized for that like, countless times, and I _know_ seeing Soonyoung as Hyuna all dressed up in black stockings and a see-through mesh shirt has always been some sort of kinky dream of yours but-"

"If you don't stop talking I'll literally shave off that hair you love so much," Jihoon grumbles, but despite his tone there's a fond look in his eyes, and Jeonghan knows he doesn't mean it. Hopefully.

" _Anyways,_ there really are no classes." Jihoon throws him a sceptical look. "I swear! Also," Jeonghan fumbles for his phone, showing Jihoon his earlier messages with Seokmin. "Soonyoung will be coming here later to bring you to the mall. You'll go right? Please? You know how I hate to see you all sad and mopey when studying when all you really want to do is have Soonyoung tie you up and-"

"Jeonghan!" Jihoon interrupts, his normally pale skin turning a deep shade of pink. "I never even said anything about liking Soonyoung!"

Upon realizing his friend was serious (and honestly, Jeonghan felt quite a bit sorry for him), he lets in a sharp inhale, and then in a gentle tone says, "Jihoon, you may not have said it directly, but in the 3 months you've gotten to know the guy you've been acting like his dick hung up the moon. Literally _everyone_ has noticed it, except for maybe Soonyoung himself. He's too much of a dumbass to realize how lucky he is to have an amazing and talented and extremely attractive person like you fall for him."

"What's this about Soonyoung's dick and the moon?" 

Jeonghan and Jihoon whip their heads towards the door, where Seungcheol is leaning against the frame, his voice thick with sleep. "Also, uh," he gestures towards them. "The hell are you guys doing?"

Belatedly, Jeonghan realizes he's still on top of Jihoon, his hands on each side of Jihoon's head and his legs straddling Jihoon's hips. Climbing off of his roommate, he smiles sheepishly. "Sorry about that Jihoonie, you probably wanted Soonyoung on top of you instea-"

"For fuck's sake, _enough_ ," Jihoon cries out, burying his face under his pillow. 

Seungcheol laughs, then makes his way towards Jeonghan's bed and takes a seat. "So, like I was saying, what's this about Soonyoung's dick and the moon?"

Jeonghan glances at Jihoon, who still has his face under his pillow but Jeonghan's sure his face must be a lovely red hue with all this talk of Soonyoung. "Well, Seungcheol, I was just telling Jihoon over here how classes are cancelled due to the snow, and if he would join Seokmin, Soonyoung and Seungkwan on their date to the new arcade that opened up last week."

"Wait, classes are cancelled? For real?" Seungcheol asks, with wide eyes and a smile way too big for someone who just woke up. "That's great! And Jihoon has a date with Soonyoung? About time."

Jihoon flings his pillow towards Seungcheol, who lets out a small _oof_. "Jesus Christ, it's not a date; Seungkwan and Seokmin will be there too."

But Seungcheol's no longer listening. Jeonghan snorts at the way Seungcheol's eyes glaze over and he starts mumbling all the k-dramas he can finally catch up on.

××××××

Another few hours later and Jeonghan's in front of Joshua's dorm, trying to calm his pounding heart. It just wasn't _fair_ ; they've been friends since middle school when Joshua moved from LA to Korea, and have been there for each other ever since, staying by each other's side no matter how cringey their phases would get or how moody one would act. Jeonghan still remembers when they were 14 and Joshua became a huge fan of 'Haikyuu!!', this one volleyball anime, and Jeonghan would still tease him from time to time on how in love Joshua was with one of the main characters, Tsukishima.)

And then came the summer before their first year of high school, when Joshua came back from his two-week vacation in LA. Jeonghan had picked him up from the airport with his mom and his heart was suddenly doing acrobatics in his chest when he spotted Joshua, smiling and waving and running towards him. He had dyed his now-longer hair a light shade of brown, and his skin was a tiny bit darker from the harsh Californian sun, yet he looked devastatingly stunning. At that moment Jeonghan _knew_ , he knew that he'd fallen for his annoyingly handsome best friend but didn't know for how long he felt this way, and Jeonghan didn't really mind. Of course, he tried to act as normal as possible and so far it's been working, but Jeonghan's feelings only continued to grow and Joshua only became more attractive as the days flew by.

Shaking himself from his stupor, Jeonghan knocks on the door, wondering if Joshua's already awake. It was just a little bit past 10, since Jeonghan had to make sure Jihoon kept his promise and went to the mall with the others, and once that was taken care of he'd immediately changed into clothes he hoped were appealing but didn't make it too obvious he tried _too_ hard. 

He was about to knock again when the door swings open to reveal — oh God — Joshua in an oversized, long-sleeved white shirt, which Jeonghan's certain belongs to him, the neckline exposing every inch of soft skin from his collarbones to his left shoulder, and black sweatpants that fitted Joshua's lower body so well Jeonghan feels insulted.

"Hey," he greets, smiling blearily at Jeonghan. "I would apologize for the mess, but I know you don't really care so," Joshua shrugs, inviting Jeonghan in. 

Holy shit. Is this what waking up to Joshua everyday would be like?

"So would you rather watch 'While You Were Sleeping', 'Vagabond', or '100 Days My Prince'?" Joshua rambles, making his way towards his laptop. "Or we could just watch anime, I don't mind, and I was thinking after that we could go out to the mall — I have to buy some study materials from the stationary store anyways — and maybe we could meet up with Seungkwan, Soonyoung, Seokmin and Jihoon and hang out or something."

"Shua," Jeonghan whines. "Study tomorrow, okay? I know exams are in like, 3 days, but let's enjoy today, please? And," he continues, "'While You Were Sleeping' is hands down one of the best k-dramas of the decade, let's watch that." Flinging himself unto the couch beside Joshua, he looks up and asks, "Also, didn't you just wake up?" 

Not taking his eyes off his laptop, Joshua asks, "Yeah, why?"

"Well," Jeonghan says. "Don't you want to eat breakfast? I could cook up something for you if you'd like. I know how lazy you can get," he teases.

Jeonghan is surprised to feel Joshua tense up beside him. He didn't say something wrong, did he? But then Joshua laughs in that stupidly adorable way that makes Jeonghan's thoughts turn to mush, and Jeonghan's sure it must have been his imagination. "Look at you being all sweet and caring," Joshua says, still smiling. "Actually, I had something to eat before going to bed last night, don't worry about it."

So Jeonghan doesn't, and he lets Joshua rest his head on his shoulder, bringing him closer as they watch in comfortable silence.

××××××

"Oh my God, Jeonghan look!"

Jeonghan turns to where Joshua is pointing, gasping dramatically. "Is that what I think it is? An item of such exquisite beauty, surely my peasant eyes aren't worthy enough to glance at it, right?" he says, walking over to the item in question and fervently holding it in his hands. "Joshua, the heavens has blessed us with such a treasure, this great and marvelous _book."_ Jeonghan deadpans, raising an eyebrow at Joshua's excitement. "As if there isn't already hundreds of other books in this bookstore," Jeonghan says under his breath, earning a smack on the head from the other boy.

"Shut up, you uncultured walnut," Joshua grumbles, taking the book from Jeonghan's hands, the physical contact sending a chill down the latter's spine. "This is the Song of Achilles! I've been wanting to read this for literal ages now," Joshua says, admiring the book with wide eyes and gentle hands.

"How come you never look at _me_ like that," Jeonghan complains, secretly content with the way a crimson blush blooms across Joshua's cheeks.

"Because _you_ aren't 416 pages of painfully beautiful words strung together to form a masterpiece that is this book," Joshua taunts, walking towards the counter. 

"Hong Jisoo, I am _offended_ ," Jeonghan says in mock hurt, following the other boy. "I'm a masterpiece too! I mean, come on Shua, you can't deny my visuals are-"

But Jeonghan couldn't even complete his sentence, because Joshua, that insensitive bastard, spins around to face Jeonghan and gives him a quick peck on the lips.

"Jeonghan, be quiet please? We're in a bookstore," Joshua says, cheeks pink and an amused smile on his face, and with that he turns back to the counter, leaving Jeonghan utterly dumbfounded.

He must have had an extremely stupid look on his face, because Joshua laughs as Jeonghan glares at him. "Sorry about that," Joshua grins, clutching at his sides and dragging him towards the exit once he's done paying. "You were just so _loud_ , and I can't afford to be banned from my favorite place in this mall."

Jeonghan rolls his eyes, praying that the blush on his cheeks isn't as noticeable as he thinks it is. "Yeah, okay, whatever, are you done poking fun at my misery? Because Seokmin texted me a while ago and asked if we'll be joining them for lunch in that one pizza place Soonyoung works in."

"Oh," Joshua pauses. "Wait, actually, you go on ahead. I have to meet up with one of my classmates, Johnny, since he still has some of my English literature notes. I'll call you later, okay?" With that being said, Joshua sprints off at the other direction. "Meet me in the bookstore again at 3!" he shouts, waving at Jeonghan, and disappears around the corner.

"You dumbass," Jeonghan mumbles to himself, still staring at the spot Joshua was in before he ran off. "At least give me time to reply."

××××××

"Not to be dramatic or anything, but if our pizza doesn't come soon I might as well die."

Jeonghan smiles as their whole group roll their eyes in unison at Seungkwan's antics, but there isn't a tiny bit of venom in the action. They were currently in a pizza parlor called Chilli, where Soonyoung happened to work part-time. ( _They_ being Jeonghan, the arcade group, and Wonwoo, who they ran into in the arcade.) 

After a few more minutes of playful banter and even more waiting, with Soonyoung bragging about how surprisingly good Jihoon is at arcade games, and Jihoon looking like he isn't sure if he should knock Soonyoung unconscious or kiss him if that'll make him shut up, the pizza finally arrives and the majority of them cheer, earning them some dirty looks from the other customers.

"Hey, Jeonghan, where's Joshua? I thought he was with you," Jihoon asks, biting into his pizza.

"He went to see some classmate of his," Jeonghan says with a wave of his hand, trying to act nonchalant. "Johnson or something."

Jihoon smirks, eyeing him with patronizing amusement. "Jealous much?"

"Wha- me? Jealous?" Jeonghan sputters incredulously. Looking around and seeing how everyone had knowing looks on their faces, he sighs. "Okay, maybe I'm a _tiny_ bit upset," he grumbles. Unfortunately for him, he feels his ears turn red.

Taking a bite out of his food, Jeonghan continues, saying, "But you guys won't believe what he did. Like, he was going on and on about this one book he wanted to read saying how it was a masterpiece and I was like, 'but I'm a masterpiece, too!' and stuff like that. And then that obstinate prick, he _kissed_ me. Sure, it barely lasted a second but _still_. And _then_ he proceeded to laugh at me. Can you believe the audacity? Then I asked if he wanted to have lunch here and he waved me off and went to meet that stupid classmate of his instead." 

Seokmin smiles sympathetically at him once he's done, covering Jeonghan's hands with his own. The gesture would have been sweet, but Jeonghan could feel the grease from the pizza and he tried his best not to recoil.

"Wait, back up a second here," Jihoon says, holding a hand up. "I thought you and Joshua had like, this thing where you kiss each other a lot? Hell, I've seen _you_ kiss him more times than I can count on both hands. I always assumed you two were dating until we became roommates this year, and I was cursed with the misfortune of witnessing you rave over Joshua firsthand."

Jeonghan feels his face color a dangerous shade of brick red. "I don't _rave_ over Shua, Jihoon. And I've only kissed him on the cheek, and those kisses were all platonic and never lasted more than a second. Plus, it's always been _me_ who initiated these kinds of things, so I'm never mentally prepared for when _he_ does it."

"Poor hyung," Seungkwan says, shaking his head. "You've been pining over Joshua hyung for like, a decade now? And correct me if I'm wrong but," he looks at the others, "If Shua hyung's so comfortable with you being this affectionate towards him, doesn't that mean he definitely likes you too?"

Receiving several nods from around the table, Seungkwan smiles. "There, I rest my case."

Jeonghan sighs. "Don't you idiots get my hopes up. All things aside," he says, gesturing at the rest of them. "What are you guys up to once winter break starts?"

"Oh!" Soonyoung pipes in. "Christmas is right around the corner so-"

"Soonyoung," Wonwoo cuts in, helping himself to the last of the breadsticks. "We've still got like, a whole week of exams to worry about first."

"Exams can suck my dick," Soonyoung says, pouting slightly. "Anyways, like I was saying, Christmas is right around the corner! How do you guys feel about a party? It doesn't have to be like, one of those extremely crazy high school parties in American movies; just a couple of our close friends, a few classmates, some wine, whatever works with you guys." Despite his innocent tone, Jeonghan can discern the wicked glint in the younger's eyes, but with a Christmas party comes mistletoe, and sure it may seem cliché, but then again, Jeonghan's willing to do anything if it means he can finally kiss his best friend.

"So if we _are_ having a Christmas party, where will it be?" Jeonghan asks, desperately trying to stop his train of thought from going down the gutter.

"Well,' Soonyoung replies, sharing a look with Seokmin. "We can hold it in our dorm, since it's the biggest out of everyone's here."

"Friendly reminder that we all have our exams to do first," Wonwoo says, smiling with mirth when Soonyoung groans into his food.

××××××

Today **3:12 pm**

**_me_ **

did you really just abandon me for that johnson classmate of yours <

 **_joshuji_ **

> hannie oh god i'm so sorry

> i'm on my way right now i swear

**_me_ **

you better be <

i've been here for nearly 20 minutes now <

just loitering around and stuff <

the staff are starting to glare at me <

the things i do for you sometimes <

 **_joshuji_ **

> ily :)

Blushing (because Jeonghan's an utterly whipped fool that way), he shoves his phone back in his pocket. Sure, it was a typical thing in their friendship to say things like that. But that was before Jeonghan had developed feelings for the other, and it doesn't matter anyway. He's sure it's all completely platonic to Joshua.

"Jeonghan!" Speak of the devil, Jeonghan thinks, but he still fails to control the way his heart malfunctions as Joshua slows to a jog a few feet from him.

"What took you so long?" he asks, then frowns when he realizes how tired the other looks. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Yea, just-" Joshua lightly pants, hands on his knees as he catches his breath. "It's nothing, really. Anyways, where do you wanna go now?"

"Home," Jeonghan sighs exaggeratedly, hurling his arms around Joshua's waist and putting his head on the other boy's shoulder. "Oh my God, Shua. When did your waist get so tiny?"

The other boy pointedly ignores him, and Jeonghan pouts from the lack of attention. "You wanna go home — to study?" Joshua says instead, then raises his arms up in surrender upon meeting Jeonghan's glower. "Jesus, alright, I get it. But we're studying tomorrow, okay?"

Jeonghan smiles, not releasing his hold on Joshua's waist. "Anything for you, Shua."

××××××

"That was literally the worst movie I've ever seen."

"Tell me about it," Vernon says as everyone nodded in agreement. They were all gathered in Joshua's dorm; Soonyoung and Jihoon were forced to sit on the armchair, their bodies squished together, leaving them flustered, while Seungcheol, Seokmin, Seungkwan, and his classmates, Chan and Vernon were camped out on the floor, dozens of pillows and blankets surrounding them. (Jeonghan didn't know Vernon all too well, but just by looking at him and Seungkwan he can tell there's more to them than being 'just friends'.) Him and Joshua were cuddled up together in the loveseat, earning Jeonghan sly glances from nearly everyone in the room. Mingyu and Wonwoo were crashed on the couch alongside Junhui and Minghao, the two couples sneaking kisses at each other whenever they could. Jeonghan thought it was cute, until he spotted Junhui sneak a hand down Minghao's pants. He didn't dare look at them again after that.

"I mean they had sex by the Hollywood sign! Who even does that? Are there no guards?" Seungkwan complains angrily, throwing the leftovers of his popcorn at the TV, the closing credits of 'the Kissing Booth' still playing.

"And did you guys see how small that jersey was? It barely fitted the girl, so how in the world did it fit that massive jerk?" Minghao protests. "Besides, that curtain scene is so unrealistic. That shit definitely doesn't happen in real life."

"Also, this movie is kinda homophobic." Junhui says, mindlessly playing with Minghao's hair. "Not to mention, it's misogynistic, manipulative, abusive, and the plot is just plain absurd, and I'm really starting to hate myself for watching this."

"Yea, but," Wonwoo joins in, trying to control his laughter. "That kissing scene was so _stupid_ , what's up with the lights exploding? And that one dude who kept taking pictures is _way_ too old to be in a high school movie — someone get a restraining order on this guy."

Before anyone else could criticize the monstrosity that is 'the Kissing Booth', the doorbell rings, causing some of them to jump in surprise.

"Hell yes, our fried chicken's here!" Mingyu exclaims happily, leaping off of the couch and scrambling to open the door.

In another few minutes, everyone settles in again, digging into their food. As the buzz of numerous conversations fill the air, Jeonghan feels Joshua tap him on the arm. "Jeonghan," he says in a low voice. "Can you finish the rest of my food for me? I'm not too hungry."

"You sure?" Joshua nods, and with that, Jeonghan takes the rest of his food. "Thanks, Hannie," Joshua says, breathing out a small sigh of relief.

Another few minutes later of talking and eating, Seungcheol speaks up amidst the chatter. "Okay, I don't want to burst anyone's bubble or anything but-"

"Too late, hyung. You already did," Chan yells, causing Seungcheol to sigh.

"Kids these days," he mumbles, then in a louder tone, he adds, "So like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I just want to remind everyone that we have exams in literally two days, so it'd be best if we all pack up soon and get some rest so we can study and, you know, actually pass." This earns a dozen groans from everyone else in the room, with Jeonghan catapulting his jacket at Seungcheol.

"Hey, I'm just trying to make sure you dumbasses don't fail!" Seungcheol cries out, and beside him, Jeonghan hears Joshua snort adorably, that one single sound occupying his thoughts for the rest of the night.

Jeonghan's stupid like that.

××××××

The first thing that greets Jeonghan as he hauls his weary, battered body out of bed and into the living room is the perplexing sight of Jihoon sprawled on the floor, surrounded by a cluster of what Jeonghan could tell is his music composition notes, and his usual cup of coffee.

" _Please_ tell me you have some more psychological facts on memorizing things better up your sleeve. I can literally feel my brain sizzling up," Jihoon groans as he lets out a long-suffering sigh, sitting up to take a few sips from his cup.

"Oh, Jihoon," Jeonghan says consolingly. "How long have you been awake?"

"Around 4 hours now."

"Wha- but- Jihoon, it's 7 am! And you haven't eaten breakfast yet?"

The other boy shakes his head. "This is like, my sixth cup of coffee or something."

"Oh my god," Jeonghan whispers under his breath. "Wait right here, I'll cook up some ramen real quick." 

"Wait, don't! It's-"

Before Jihoon could finish his sentence however, Jeonghan swings open the kitchen door. "Christ!" he swears as water splashes around his ankles, with Jihoon clambering to grab his notes off of the floor. "Why the hell is the kitchen flooded?"

"Long story short, I kinda maybe accidentally broke the tap when I was trying to wash my hands," Jihoon says, then looks up to meet Jeonghan's exasperated gaze. "Please don't ask for details, I'm already ashamed enough as it is."

"I-" Jeonghan starts, then takes in a deep breath as he makes his way towards the front door. "You know what? I'll just call someone for help. Also, I'll get you breakfast from that café a few blocks away, okay? _Please_ don't break anything else while I'm gone, we're broke enough as it is with you somehow damaging the shower last month."

Safe to say, this wasn't how Jeonghan planned on spending his Saturday morning.

(Actually, he ran into Joshua and Seokmin on his way down, so maybe it wasn't a _complete_ waste of time.)

××××××

Today **8:38 pm**

 **_joshuji_ **

> hannie

> pls come over

**_me_ **

oh my shua how suggestive of you <

are soonyoung and s you ;) <

 **_joshuji_ **

> i-

> soonyoung and seokmin went to the library to study but that's not the point

> pls come over because i might actually fall apart if you don't hug me right this instant

 **_me_ **

TF SHUA ARE YOU OKAY <

give me a second i'm on my way <

"Jihoon!" Jeonghan calls out. "I'm going to Shua's place for a bit. Don't forget to eat!" he says, not hearing the other boy's response as he closes the door behind him.

Running the few doors down to Joshua's dorm, he knocks frantically. "Shua!" he shouts. "Are you-"

The door swings open, and Jeonghan doesn't waste a second as he encases the taller boy in his arms. "Are you okay?"

Joshua droops his head on Jeonghan's shoulder and huffs out a small, pained laugh. "I'm just kinda tired," he says softly. "You know, with exams and all. And as much as I love my major, I can't bring myself to look at my notes without wanting to flush it down the drain."

Jeonghan nods, "Let's go inside, okay?" he tells him, wrapping an arm around Joshua's waist. They make their way towards the living room, dropping down onto the couch, and Jeonghan let's the other boy's head rest on his lap.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Jeonghan asks him gently, running his fingers through Joshua's hair.

Joshua inhales, closing his eyes for a second. "There really isn't much to talk about. Is it okay if you stay?" he questions, a slight blush forming on his cheeks. "I-I know this was really sudden and I'm just a waste of time but-"

"Jesus, Shua, shut up," Jeonghan smiles, poking at his cheek. "I wouldn't mind wasting my time on you."

An endearing shade of cherry red flowering on his cheeks, Joshua lightly pinches Jeonghan's arm. "Are you flirting with me?"

Jeonghan looks away. "You finally noticed?" he mutters under his breath.

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"I said you're a pretentious dick. Wanna watch a movie?"

Joshua gapes at him for a few seconds before bursting into a fit of laughter. "Screw you," he whines, swatting the other with a pillow. 

"Screw me yourself, you coward!" Jeonghan shouts, laughing as Joshua turns into a blushing mess and proceeds to attack him with even more pillows.

Jeonghan would have said something else, just to make that irritatingly cute blush last on Joshua's cheeks a little bit longer, but just then Soonyoung and Seokmin barge into the room. The two boys stop dead in their tracks.

"Um, hi," Soonyoung starts. "Are we-" he asks, gesturing towards the cushions on the floor. "-interrupting something?"

××××××

"Do you think Joshua likes me? As in, more than a friend?" Jeonghan asks Jihoon that same night.

"Are you, the _psychology major_ , really asking me this?" Jihoon questions back in exasperation, looking back at the other boy from where he was laying on his bed. "At 1 am? When I was just about to fall asleep?"

"It's just-" Jeonghan pauses, trying to grasp the right words to explain his 11-year turmoil. "He doesn't seem to act any different when he's with me — he's just a genuinely nice and caring person towards everyone, y'know?" 

Jihoon grumbles something about losing precious sleep due to emotionally constipated roommates, but motions for said emotionally constipated roommate to sit beside him. Leaning back against the headboard, he asks, "Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen?"

Jeonghan cracks a smile. "Can't believe you remember what I taught you. And, no offense Jihoon, but you're not any different from me when it comes to this stuff, so just hear me out, okay?"

The younger boy nods, and Jeonghan takes in a deep breath. "It's just, Shua's such an amazing person. Meeting him has got to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. Like, when I first met him back when we were 11, he was just this boy I thought was kinda cute, this boy who came from America and barely knew the Korean language. And then I approached him one day, and we started talking, and the more we got to know each other, the more I thought that Joshua was the brightest thing in my world, and I better stay away or he'll shred my heart to pieces without even knowing," he tells Jihoon, a bittersweet smile lingering a second too long on his face.

Continuing, he adds, emotion breaking out in his voice. "But how could I? How could I when he's constantly on my mind, to the point where he's all I think about, even when I'm asleep? When Joshua texted me the most randomest history facts at 3 in the morning, I loved him. When he dragged my sorry dick all over town to go to the shadiest libraries, I loved him. When he hugged me in public with strangers staring at us and scrunched up his nose in laughter when I said the lamest of things and made my heart flutter in ways I didn't know was possible, I loved him so much my head felt like it's about to burst. And after all these years, I _still_ love him, and it _still_ feels like my head is a second away from bursting. But I just-" Jeonghan pauses, unable to meet the other's gaze. "I'm too much of a coward to even say anything and I think it's killing me. Who am I to ruin him with how I feel? Joshua's too good to be good for me. Still…even after everything, I'm not even a tiny bit tired of waiting for him, waiting for him to like me back. I don't think I'll ever get tired of waiting for him."

Jeonghan didn't realize he'd started crying until Jihoon leans over and silently gives him a hug, which only causes Jeonghan to tear up even more. "Jesus," he sniffs, wiping at his tears. "It feels good letting it all out after bottling it up for so long."

"Jeonghan," Jihoon mutters, releasing his hold on the older boy. "I know you told me not to say anything but let me just say this, alright? I admit I'm not the best at relationships or love or anything, but I _do_ notice things. I notice how _whipped_ Joshua is for you, how he looks at you with so much love and affection I feel like I'm intruding on something too personal to be looked on. Also-"

"Wait, Jihoon," Jeonghan interrupts, shaking his head. "Please, don't. It only seems that way because I was Shua's first friend when he came here. And I truly appreciate you listening to me, for letting me rant to you despite everything." 

Jihoon raises an eyebrow. "Well, duh, I'm not heartless. And don't you dare get all sappy on me," he says. Gently, he adds, "Get some sleep, Jeonghan."

Grinning, Jeonghan makes his way towards the door. "Goodnight, Jihoon! And remember, you can always talk to me about Soonyoung since-"

Jihoon chucks a pillow at him.


	2. i don't care if loneliness kills me, i don't want to love somebody else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELPJDHDJJD I REALLY WROTE "tomorrow's chapter will be up tomorrow" IN MY LAST CHAPTER I'M A FOOL
> 
> okay anyways i forgot to mention the title of this fic is a lyric from 'would you be so kind' by dodie and chapter 1's title is a lyric from 'do i wanna know?' by the arctic monkeys !! this chap's title is a lyric from 'i don't wanna love somebody else' by a great big world :) 
> 
> have fun reading !! and pls be cautious again for the slight mentions and hints of eating disorders <3
> 
> (this chap is a bit shorter than usual, so i'll be posting chapter 3 in a few hours !!)

Today **9:53 am**

**_me_ **

soonyoung <

help me pls <

**_soonyoung_ **

> hey hyung !!

> what can i help you with?

**_me_ **

do you know any places in the mall where i can work part-time? <

jihoon broke the tap yesterday and <

basically we're in need of some money <

**_soonyoung_ **

> oh my lord

> actually i do know a place !! my classmate hyungwon was talking about how he got this part-time job in the bakery on the second floor a few days ago

> i think it's called love & letter?

> heard the pay is pretty good too

**_me_ **

oh my god literally thank you <

**_soonyoung_ **

> good luck :))

××××××

Jeonghan drags himself back home from his interview at Love & Letter Bakery that evening, crumpling on the coach the second he gets in. Tossing his shoes across the room, he heaves a dramatic sigh.

Jihoon eyes him wearily. "I take it you didn't get the job?"

"Away, you three inch fool," Jeonghan drawls, slinging an arm across his forehead.

"I beg your fucking pardon?"

"Wait, sorry. It's just," Jeonghan props himself up on his elbows to give the younger boy an apologetic smile, but judging from how fatigued he felt, he guesses it looked more like a grimace. Looking back up to the ceiling, he says, "The interview went great actually. I somehow managed to get the job, and got to meet the other people working there too. I talked to the girl who runs the bakery — she's a few years older than us and her name's Taeyeon — and she said it's totally fine if I start working after exams."

"Okay," Jihoon says, a hint of scepticism in his tone. "So if the interview went fine, then why do you look like you just caught Joshua making out with someone else?"

Jeonghan almost gets whiplash from how fast he turns to look at his roommate. "Lee Jihoon, don't even _joke_ about things like that. The only reason I feel like shit is because exams are literally _tomorrow_."

Sighing, Jihoon trudges over to Jeonghan, plunking himself down beside him. "Jeonghan, my dear dumbass of a friend, exams may seem like hell but it'll only be for five days. So can you please get your ass up and haul it over to your room? There's no point in moping around and being all dramatic on something you can't change."

"Well, I didn't take a minor in theatre for nothing," Jeonghan grumbles, but he goes to his room anyways, not bothering to change clothes as he collapses on his bed.

××××××

"You guys look like shit."

"Minghao, darling, I _never_ look like shit," Jeonghan says, with Minghao rolling his eyes in return. Nevertheless, Jeonghan continues, waving his fork around. "I am the _epitome_ of beauty. Adonis's incarnation if I must say so myself. Wonwoo and Seungcheol on the other hand, _they_ look like shit."

"Gee, thanks," Wonwoo says dryly, earning a snort from Junhui seated beside him and Seungkwan muttering, "Who the fuck is Adonis?"

"Need I remind you Adonis died when a boar rammed into his dick?" Joshua adds, settling down beside Jeonghan into their usual table at the cafeteria and carefully putting his bag down. "Actually, scratch that, he didn't deserve to die since-"

Seungcheol cuts in from across the table. " _Please_ keep your Greek mythology and English literature or whatever facts to yourself. I haven't forgotten that time in high school where we went on a class trip and I had the unfortunate luck of sitting between you two." Then, directed towards the others in the table he says, "Joshua sprouted Greek mythology facts for an _hour_ with Jeonghan looking at him like the lovesick puppy he is."

From under the table, Jeonghan aims a kick at Seungcheol's shin, smiling in satisfaction as the other yelps in pain.

"Anyways," Jeonghan says, wanting to change the conversation. "How did you guys do with the first exam of the week?"

"Pretty decent, actually," Vernon says happily, the same time Chan groans. "Here's an idea," the youngest interferes. "Let's _not_ talk about this." 

"Ha!" Seungcheol cries out triumphantly, causing other students to glare at their table for disturbing their lunch. Nonetheless, Seungcheol either didn't notice or didn't care. "I _told_ you to study more!"

Jihoon, thank God, pulls Seungcheol back down from where he's standing on his seat. "Shut up, dumbass, you're embarrassing us. And lay off will you? Chan's like, 4 years younger than you. A mere sophomore. A _fetus_ if I may."

Chan cracks up at this, the confused look planted on Seungcheol's face making him laugh even more. "But I-I was just- he-" Seungcheol falters, obviously at a loss of words. "God, why do I even hang out with you people?"

"Oh, hyung," Seokmin says, reaching out to give the oldest a hug. "We love and appreciate you a lot, okay? This is just how we show our love."

"If this is how you show your love then I don't want it." But there's a smile sneaking up on his face, so everyone knows he doesn't mean it.

Jeonghan watches the whole debacle unfold, then turns to Joshua in hushed tones. "Shua, where's your lunch?"

The other boy looks taken aback, as if he didn't think Jeonghan would notice. "It's- I overslept today, so I didn't really have time to make anything," he says, shrugging his shoulders.

"Then here, you can have some of mine," Jeonghan offers, only to have him shake his head desperately. "No, it's okay, I swear," Joshua says. "I'm just…not that hungry."

Jeonghan frowns at this, but before he or Joshua could say anything else, Mingyu plops down beside Wonwoo, giving his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek, causing the other to flush a light shade of pink. "I think I flunked my art exam," Mingyu sighs, oblivious to Wonwoo's embarrassment. "And it doesn't help that I had to clean up a truckload of spilled paint, so now I've missed the majority of lunch."

Feeling a rustle beside him, Jeonghan turns to see Joshua gathering up his things. "I'll get going now, alright?" he says in a low voice, giving Jeonghan a small smile, then waving at the others as he leaves.

Jeonghan would have said something more, but Joshua was already gone.

××××××

Exams whizzed by in a blur. Jeonghan would revise his exams, take said exams, and then meet up with his friends for lunch in the cafeteria as they discuss and laugh over the nonsensical answers they had jotted down due to their mental breakdowns. Jeonghan could barely wait till Friday for everything to finally be over. He'd already planned a dozen things to do once their break starts, preferably with Joshua.

Yet lately, Jeonghan had noticed something off about his best friend. He had stopped joining them for lunch, and would decline whenever Jeonghan suggested they walk back to their dorms together. For the first few days, Jeonghan had thought that Joshua was just putting more of his time on studying, since they _were_ in their senior year of college. 

But now it was Thursday, and Jeonghan knew that wasn't the case.

So here he was, standing outside Joshua's dorm, waiting for him to open the door since he barely replies to Jeonghan's texts anymore. 

Jeonghan was just about to ring the doorbell once again when the door cracks open, revealing a sleepy-looking Soonyoung. "Hyung! What are you doing here?" the younger asks as he invites Jeonghan inside.

Jeonghan makes his way towards their living room, waving at Seokmin from where he was on the couch. Jeonghan settles in beside him.. "Actually, I wanted to to see if Shua was here," he tells Soonyoung, peering into their rooms. "But, seeing how there's no trace of him, I guess he isn't." He could barely hide his disappointment; he was just so _upset_. He hates the way Joshua's been going out of his way to avoid him, not even talking to him so Jeonghan couldn't figure out what's wrong. "Do you guys- Has Shua told you anything?"

Soonyoung must have sensed how Jeonghan truly felt however, a flash of sympathy and worry crossing his face. "Actually, hyung," he begins, sharing a troubled glance with Seokmin. "These past two weeks, Shua hyung hasn't really been acting like himself. He barely eats anything nowadays. At first, we thought that maybe he didn't have much of an appetite because of exams. But then we realized how thin he was getting, and we made the mistake of commenting on it. Hyung, in all the years we've known him, we've never seen him get so _angry_."

"And," Seokmin chimes in quietly. "Two days ago, we told him about the Christmas party that would be held in our dorm, and he just…kinda freaked?"

Hearing this only made Jeonghan more concerned for his best friend. "Do you- do you know where Shua is now?" he asks, trying to keep the quiver out of his voice.

Soonyoung nods. "He's at the gym. We don't exactly know how long he's been going there but-"

"Wait," Jeonghan stops, frowning. "The gym? Shua's never been interested in going there before."

Shrugging helplessly, Soonyoung continues. "We only found out on Monday. After exams, we followed him. And I know how shitty that sounds, but we were just so _worried_. Last week, when we tried inviting him for breakfast, we caught him weighing himself and he-" Soonyoung's voice breaks, and he sucks in a deep breath before speaking again. "Hyung, what if it's something serious?"

Jeonghan shakes his head, blinking back tears that threatened to fall. "I-I don't _know_ , Soonyoung, because Joshua won't even talk to me. And it's so _frustrating_. I go out of my way to see him, but he avoids me like I'm some sort of plague."

Reaching out to give Jeonghan a hug upon seeing how horribly close he was to fully breaking down, Seokmin gently pats his back. "It'll be okay, guys. Shua hyung will be okay. He's got us, after all," Seokmin says with a comforting smile, and Jeonghan huffs out a small laugh at that.

"God, Seokmin. When did you get so mature?" 

Soonyoung laughs, but Jeonghan certainly doesn't miss the way he exchanges troubled glances with Seokmin.

××××××

"Praise the fucking Lord," Jeonghan hears his seatmate, Dowoon, mutter as the whole class erupts in cheers, packing up their things as their professor walks out the room, their exam papers in hand. Winter break has officially started, and Jeonghan smiles as he waves goodbye to his classmates.

Jihoon was waiting for him at the front of his class, looking more than ready to return to their dorm and sleep for the next 48 hours. Usually, it would have been Joshua, and Jeonghan tries not to let the continuous absence of his best friend be the one constant thought running through his head. He must not be trying hard enough though, because all he can think of is Joshua.

It's always been Joshua, after all.

Jeonghan hadn't realized Jihoon was talking to him until the other boy lightly punched him on the arm. "Earth to Jeonghan, are you even listening? Jeonghan?"

Jeonghan blinks. "Yes? Oh, sorry, Jihoon," he says, embarrassed. "So, uh, what did you say?"

Sighing softly, Jihoon replies, "So I was _saying_ that Soonyoung told me to tell you that the Christmas party will be next Tuesday, on Christmas Eve. That's cool with you, right? You won't be working that day?"

Jeonghan nods. "None of us will be working that day, and on Christmas and New Year's too, since Taeyeon said she would prefer if we'd spend those days with our families and friends and stuff. Did Soonyoung say what time?"

The younger boy scrunches up his eyebrows in thought, then shakes his head. "I'll ask Soonyoung about it later."

Jeonghan nods again, and they walk back to their dorms in silence. Jihoon must have picked up on how Jeonghan was too engrossed in his thoughts to continue the conversation, because after a few quiet moments, he asks in a gentle voice, "You're worried about Joshua, aren't you?"

When Jeonghan doesn't reply, instead coming to a halt just a few metres away from their dorms, Jihoon noiselessly holds out his arms. Exhaling a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, Jeonghan leans in into the other boy's hug, and he couldn't care less about the stares on onlookers faces as they passed the two boys by. 

Jihoon rubs at the older boy's back. "It's okay, Jeonghan. I'm worried too."

××××××

Jeonghan is so, _so_ fucked.

He had completely forgotten that his first shift at Love & Letter bakery had started at 8 o'clock that morning, and it was almost 9:30. Barrelling past the mall's entrance, he bolts the rest of the way to the second floor, shouting quick apologizes to innocent bystanders he had accidentally hit. 

Just when his legs were about to give up on him, he miraculously manages to get past the bakery's front doors, gasping for air as he leans on the counter.

"I'm here," he rasps out, the same time his coworker, Hyungwon says, "Jeonghan, you're literally _so_ dead."

Seulgi, another one of his coworkers who had just finished serving a group of teenagers, smiles sweetly at him. "She's waiting for you at the back, by the way."

Jeonghan tries his hardest not to groan as he trudges the rest of the way to where Taeyeon is, receiving a soft "Good luck!" from Minhyuk, who was mopping at the floors, and a "Try not to die!" from Jaehyeong, who looks way too happy considering Jeonghan is about to have his head on a pike.

Once he's a few feet away from the older girl, who has her arms crossed and a _very_ unamused look on her face, Jeonghan wonders for a split-second what it would be like to die a virgin before blurting out, "Taeyeon noona, ma'am, I am so extremely sorry for being so late, this is entirely my fault and I take full responsibility for such careless actions." Seeing how his employer doesn't budge an inch, Jeonghan gulps. "This won't happen again, I swear. Just _please_ don't fire me, I really need this job."

Sometime between bargaining with the Lord and Jeonghan holding his breath, terribly aware of how all his coworkers were witnessing his demise from various spots in the bakery, Taeyeon finally speaks up, and Jeonghan feels his heart stop beating at the way she has a small smile on her face.

"Christ, Jeonghan, _relax._ It's not like I'm gonna behead you or anything. And I'm _not_ going to fire you," she says, and Jeonghan can just _feel_ his, and a dozen other jaws drop to the floor. Taeyeon must be used to this though, because without batting an eye she continues, saying, "Don't be late again, okay? Like, ever, or I'll actually kick your ass out. Understand?"

Frantically nodding his head, Jeonghan allows himself to grin as relief floods his body. "Yes, ma'am!" he says with a tiny salute, causing Taeyeon to chuckle.

"Okay, now that that's settled," she says, clasping her hands together. "Everyone get back to work!"

The next few hours were so hectic, Jeonghan almost forgot his current worries. 

Almost.

××××××

Today **8:47 pm**

**soonyoung** has added **you** and **11 other users** to the chat

**_soonyoung_ **

> hello my darling friends

**soonyoung** has named the chat **christmas party !!**

**_soonyoung_ **

> as y'all can see

> this chat is solely for the purpose of the christmas party 

> which is in like ,, two days

> in my dorm

> so pls refrain from flirting and sexting here thank you very much

**_seokmin_ **

> you mean oUR dorm 

**_jihoon_ **

> i'm literally gonna cry why are there 13 people in this chat

**_soonyoung_ **

> nooo don't cry :(

**_wonwoo_ **

> jesus what have i been dragged into now

**_soonyoung_ **

> okAY so

> as one of the hosts for this event i need to plan shit out

**_wonwoo_ **

> have we just stumbled upon kwon soonyoung using that pea-sized brain of his for once ??

**_jihoon_ **

> truly a once in a lifetime phenomenon

**_soonyoung_ **

> we'll be ordering a whole bunch of food but if mingyu would be so kind to cook up some meals then please do :))

> EXCUSE ME SIRS 

> extremely rude but anyways

> and you guys can come in the evening i guess ??

> like 7 or something

**_me_ **

soonyoung ily but i'll have to mute this chat <

i'm at work and hyungwon threatened to shove my phone in the oven <

just realized he gives off jihoon energy lmao <

okay bye i have duties to attend to <

Jeonghan shuts off his phone, not waiting to see the younger boy's replies. It was his last shift for today, and the thought of crashing back down on his bed in less than an hour made scrubbing the floors much more bearable.

"Don't look so drained, Jeonghan," Minhyuk says, helping Jeonghan finish up with cleaning. "You've only been working here for a day, and sure it may get busy at times, but you'll get used to it eventually."

Sighing, Jeonghan starts packing up his things, with the older boy quickly following his example. "I guess you're right. It's quite nice working here actually, so I shouldn't complain."

"Are you guys done scrubbing?" Hyungwon interrupts, waiting by the door as he switches the 'open' sign to 'close'. "It's nearly 9, and I really don't wanna miss the bus going home."

Minhyuk nods, and the three of them make their way out of the mall in comfortable silence, too exhausted to genuinely say anything. Jeonghan doesn't really mind, though.

××××××

That night, in the quiet of his room, Jeonghan drifts into an uneasy sleep, hazy shards of soft, brown curls and pink lips and beautifully tanned skin plaguing his dreams.


	3. i know you're seeing black and white so i'll paint you a clear blue sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter 3 !! i hope y'all enjoy this one :))
> 
> also thank you so much to everyone who left kudos and comments !! <3
> 
> (chapter title is a lyric from blue by troye sivan)

When Jeonghan and Jihoon arrive at Joshua's door on Tuesday evening, the party was already in full swing, the entire room a frenzied whirl of color and sound and movement. From the corner of his eye, he sees Jihoon slowly backing out the door, but he quickly grabs unto the younger boy's wrist. No way in hell is he gonna go through this alone.

As they frisk their way around the living room, Jeonghan is seriously wondering how nearly three dozen people managed to fit in this single dorm. He somehow loses Jihoon to the crowd at some point too, despite the firm grasp he had on the other boy's hand.

Jeonghan nervously darts his eyes around the room. He loves parties as much as the next guy, but so far he hasn't spotted Joshua or any of his friends, and he feels his confidence start to waver as he surveys the unfamiliar throng of people. That is, until he catches sight of a well-known face.

"Kihyun!" he shouts over the pandemonium, dodging dancing bodies as he scoots his way to the older boy. Jeonghan watches as Kihyun finally meets his eyes, gesturing excitedly for Jeonghan to come over.

"Hi," he breathes out, once he's close enough to be heard without his vocal chords nearly ripping apart. Kihyun grins back at him, offering him a glass of…actually, Jeonghan doesn't want to know. A little birdie told him that Soonyoung's in charge of all the drinks, and Jeonghan doesn't even bother asking what sort of abominable concoction the other boy brewed up. But he takes the glass anyways, because surely it can't be _that_ bad.

"Jeonghan!" Kihyun greets as he clasps a friendly hand around his shoulder. "I almost thought you weren't coming, but hey, this _is_ Joshua's dorm, and I don't think I've ever seen you guys without each other." Roaming his gaze around the room, the other boy turns back to him. "Actually, I've been here for nearly an hour now, but I _still_ haven't seen Joshua yet."

Jeonghan tries to keep the worry from crossing his face. Although a part of him did suspect Joshua wouldn't be ruthlessly partying like everyone else, hearing the words fly from Kihyun's mouth certainly didn't help.

Soon enough, he excuses himself from the older boy, (not that it really mattered; Kihyun ended up being whisked away from him by the horde and into the impromptu dance floor) and Jeonghan battles his way around the room to find Joshua.

He spots Soonyoung first, leaning on the counter, with the younger boy's blonde hair a complete birdnest as he chugs down another swig of alcohol. He's still sober enough to tell Jeonghan where Joshua is though, and before Soonyoung could utter another garbled word, Jeonghan escapes to Joshua's room, shutting the door behind him.

Belatedly, he realizes this might not be the best way to address his best friend, no matter how distant Joshua may act. He's only been in the room for a moment, and already he can sense the frigid air draping around them, and he's positive it's not from the winter cold. 

"Hey," Jeonghan says, sitting beside Joshua on his bed, despising himself for approaching his best friend like some sort of wild animal. The other boy looks even more tired than he did when Jeonghan last saw him, with sunken cheeks and dark circles under his eyes, his hoodie dangling loosely over his thin shoulders.. Desperately trying to ignore the tension hanging between them, heavy and palpable, he racks his brain for something else to say. Jeonghan thinks he might actually suffocate if he doesn't.

When Joshua, head slumped and hands clutching at his blankets, doesn't say anything back, Jeonghan tries again. 

"Um, so I-"

"What is it that you _want_ , Jeonghan?" Joshua spits out, finally turning to look at him, and Jeonghan freezes. He tries not to whimper under the other boy's frustrated glare.

"I just- I wanted to talk to you," Jeonghan stammers, his gaze straying to the jug of water on Joshua's countertop before snapping back to the other boy. "You're not outside with everyone else, and we thought- we were all thinking that-"

Joshua stands, fists clenched at his sides, and Jeonghan feels himself wither. "Thought _what_ , exactly? Thought that you could just waltz in here and ruin everything I've worked so hard for?" He lets out a sharp laugh, and it pierces through Jeonghan's heart. 

Jeonghan stays quiet, silent tears quickly streaming down his face as he tries to find the courage to speak. He can't though, so Joshua continues. "Do you really think I don't notice all the pitiful looks you keep giving me? Stop _looking_ at me like I'm some sick, helpless creature! It's hard enough with Soonyoung and Seokmin, I don't need you to do this to me too."

"Shua, wait-"

" _Enough_ , Jeonghan!" Joshua snaps, and Jeonghan flinches. Joshua's eyes widen with realization, and he collapses back on his bed, hanging his head down low. "Fuck, sorry. I'm sorry."

Jeonghan sniffs, swallowing the rising bile lodged in his throat. "It's okay, Shua."

They both stay quiet for a few more strangulating moments, until Joshua finally looks up, and Jeonghan feels his heart prick at the sight of his best friend looking so… _broken._ His next words only made Jeonghan feel worse.

"Go, Jeonghan. I don't want you to see me like this."

And so Jeonghan does, because he could never bring himself to say no to Joshua. His hand on the doorknob, he turns to look back at the other boy, his heart in his throat as he tries to keep the tremor out of his voice.

"Just know I'm always here to listen. Please, Shua. I've never left your side in the first place."

As Jeonghan makes his way back into the living room, he struggles not to let what just happened with his best friend show too much on his face. But at this point, he realizes just how _intoxicated_ everyone is, and his tired eyes try their hardest to adjust to the catastrophic scene unfolding before him. Looks like pretending to be fine won't be as big of a problem as he thought.

First of all, bodies were littered all over the floor, with even more bodies dancing and kissing and grinding and _oh my God_ , it's all too much, so Jeonghan decides to focus on his friends for the sake of his last shred of sanity. He spots Minghao's lean frame sprawled all over the carpet, with Vernon and Chan giggling as they doodle all over his sleeping face. Red stains were soaking into his shirt, and Jeonghan earnestly hopes it's wine and not actual blood. He also hopes Minghao would show mercy to the younger boys once he's sober enough to see what they've done.

Seungcheol is nowhere to be seen, but he could hear faith retching sounds coming from the bathroom. Jeonghan doesn't worry too much though — he knows the older boy enough to be certain that Seungcheol has a stomach of literal steel, and he'll be alright again in a minute. Or, as alright as he could get after gulping down three whole bottles of whiskey into his system.

Simultaneously, Jeonghan finds Wonwoo and Mingyu having an _intense_ make out session under the mistletoe that Seokmin had hanged up above the kitchen door. Seokmin himself was hollering along to Mariah Carey with Seungkwan, the both of them parading around Minghao's body like some sort of satanic ritual. The two of them ended up tripping an awful lot though, since Chan and Vernon were _still_ on the floor, drawing a masterpiece on Minghao's skin that's sure to rival Vincent Van Gogh. 

On the other hand, Soonyoung was having some sort of dance battle with Junhui on their makeshift dance floor, with Soonyoung body rolling and dropping down lower than Jeonghan's GPA. Junhui then begins to sway his hips at Soonyoung's general direction, and before Jeonghan could even comprehend what the hell is going on, they both start grinding on each other, somehow on beat to the deafening music blasting from the speakers. Jeonghan witnesses all this in bewildered amazement, then turns to stare at Jihoon, the other boy watching all this occur from the loveseat with a glass of wine in hand, a tipsy smile on his face.

Jeonghan wonders how in the world things could get so _chaotic_ in the few minutes he went to talk to Joshua, but before he could produce another worried thought about his best friend, he feels a heavy arm sling around his shoulders.

"Hey," Seungcheol rasps out in a hoarse tone, looking like he's sobered up a bit. "Where's Shua? Is everything alright?"

Jeonghan shakes his head, hoping Seungcheol would get the message. "I don't know Cheol," he admits helplessly.

The older boy's eyes soften. "It's okay, Jeonghan. He'll be okay. Maybe- Maybe he's just tired." Jeonghan knew even Seungcheol doubted his own words, but he was grateful for the comfort nevertheless.

"I hope you're right," Jeonghan says softly, earning a tiny smile from the other boy, until his face scrunches up. "Will you excuse me for a bit?" Seungcheol asks. "I guess I'm not done puking my guts out."

Jeonghan motions for him to go, pouring Seungcheol a glass of water before he leaves. Flashing him a thankful smile, Seungcheol runs back into the bathroom, and Jeonghan stands and strides over to where Jihoon is seated. Despite the ruckus happening all over him, he really doesn't want to be left alone with his thoughts.

Jihoon doesn't notice him at first, still gazing at the spot where Soonyoung and Junhui were doing their mating dance _thing._ They both had joined Seokmin and Soonyoung, who had switched from yelling along to Mariah Carey to obnoxiously chanting to Troye Sivan. Jeonghan debates how much more his ears could take before it starts to bleed.

He wordlessly plops down beside the younger boy, with Jihoon finally averting his attention to him. "Oh. Hi again, Jeonghan," he says, dazed, and then goes back to staring, specifically at Soonyoung. Jeonghan wants to ask if something happened between the two, but decides against it. He isn't even sure if he could voice it out; why does his throat feels so _dry?_

Sometime after even more boisterous music and another few (read:a lot) shots of beer, Jeonghan finally notices the way his head throbs even more than his drunken heart, his limbs already going numb. "Jihoon," he calls, slurred, and surprises even himself with how different his voice sounds. "I think- I think I'll leave now. I don't feel so good."

The younger boy turns his head. Despite his vision going hazy, he sees the way Jihoon's eyes slowly clear up, even if it's just a bit. "Jeonghan?" he says, and Jeonghan must have looked even more terrible than he thought, because Jihoon scans his face, a troubled expression pasted on his own. "Wait, I'll go with you. I'll just tell Soonyoung we're leaving now, okay? Wait for me."

Nodding, Jeonghan watches Jihoon traipse around passed out bodies as he interrupts Soonyoung's karaoke session, then drags himself to lean on the doorway. Jeonghan highly doubts he can hold his own body up any longer.

He doesn't realize Jihoon's already beside him until the younger boy latches an arm around his waist, supporting his body. "Jesus, Jeonghan," he hears the younger boy faintly mutter. "Did you drink even more than me or something? You look horrible."

Too exhausted to respond, Jeonghan waits till they enter their dorm, escaping Jihoon's grip as he lets his hands linger on the walls, making his way towards his room. He's starting to get tunnel vision now, and he feels himself crumple to the floor.

"Jeonghan!" He hears footsteps running towards him, feeling two hands grab his shoulders. "Just how much did you drink?" Jihoon questions worriedly, lifting both their bodies up. Shaking his head, Jeonghan closes his eyes, feeling his world go absolutely black.

When he comes to again, he's lying on his bed, Jihoon sitting beside him and a warm towel on Jeonghan's forehead. Upon realizing he's awake, Jihoon glares at him, but even in his current state Jeonghan can tell it's half-assed.

"You blacked out on me, Yoon Jeonghan," he hears Jihoon say. There's a tremble in his voice. Jeonghan questions if the other boy's been crying. "Do you know how scared I was?"

"I'm sorry," he croaks out, but Jihoon didn't seem to hear. 

"What _happened_ , Jeonghan? In all the times we went out drinking, you never got this wasted. Hell, I'm not even sure if this happened because of how much you drank. Is this-" Jihoon stops, and in a softer voice he asks, "Is this about Joshua? Did you drink this much because of him?"

Jeonghan sighs, fighting to stay awake. "It isn't his fault, Jihoon," he answers quietly. "I should have been a better friend. I should have realized how different he was acting. Maybe if I did, I could have prevented… whatever _this_ is."

"This isn't your fault, Jeonghan," Jihoon insists. Brushing Jeonghan's hair back, he continues. "Get some rest, okay?"

Jeonghan nods, feeling Jihoon get up from his bed. Before he completely drifts back to sleep however, he hears the younger boy softly mutter.

"Merry Christmas, Jeonghan."

He wishes he has the energy to reply back.

××××××

Jeonghan isn't sure what wakes him up first, the way his head feels like it had been hammered with a brick, or the fact that all 120 pounds of Lee Jihoon was draped on top of his aching body. 

Untangling the shorter boy's limbs from his own, he tries to get up, only to have his head pound even more. Jeonghan groans, which causes Jihoon to stir awake and accidentally smack Jeonghan's chest with his arm. All in all, not an ideal way to spend a Christmas morning.

Speaking of Christmas.

"Merry Christmas, Jihoonie," he greets with a grin, despite feeling absolutely horrible.

The other boy merely responds with a groan, blindly snatching for a pillow as he puts it over his head. Jeonghan couldn't blame the lack of response though, since he's sure the only reason Jihoon was in his bed — and completely sleep-deprived — in the first place was because of how sick Jeonghan was last night. His heart warms at the thought.

Grabbing for his phone, he checks for any new messages, and is surprised to find a dozen or so in their group chat that sent just a few minutes ago, and one voicemail. He decides to open the chat first.

**christmas party !!**

Today **10:49 am**

**_soonyoung_ **

> pls tell me i'm not the only one with a terrible hangover

> perhaps i have regrets

**_wonwoo_ **

> kwon soonyoung i'm blaming this on you

> can't believe i'm spending christmas with this awful headache

**_chan_ **

> surprisingly i feel great

**_soonyoung_ **

> THAT'S BECAUSE ALL YOU DRANK LAST NIGHT WAS MILK

**_chan_ **

> i'm underaged hyung :)

**_mingyu_ **

> besides my legs trembling and my ass sore, i feel pretty okay too

**_chan_ **

> gross

> hyung don't you dare go into that territory

**_me_ **

can't believe y'all managed to wake up before noon <

**_soonyoung_ **

> because it's christmas hyung !!

> with that being said

> merry christmas my lovely friends

**_wonwoo_ **

> yes yes merry christmas 

> still doesn't change the fact that my head is pouNDING

**_seokmin_ **

> merry christmas !!

**_soonyoung_ **

> morning seokmin :)

**_wonwoo_ **

> you guys literally share the same room

**_soonyoung_ **

> okay i know y'all probably hate me by now but

> christmas hangout ?? please ??

**_mingyu_ **

> sorry hyung

> me and wonwoo are going out on a date today ;)

 **_minghao_ **

> ok which one of you miscreants drew all over my beautiful face 

**_junhui_ **

> you look cute haohao :(

**_minghao_ **

> there's a literal drawing of a penis on my cheek shut it

> and me and junhui have plans too :)

**_soonyoung_ **

> :(

**_me_ **

me and jihoon are free today actually <

just ,,, he has to wake up first <

**_soonyoung_ **

> oh yay !!

> let's meet at the mall at noon !!

**_me_ **

soonyoung <

is shua awake yet? <

**_soonyoung_ **

> ah

> he left our dorm earlier actually

> he'll be spending christmas with his parents

**_chan_ **

> hi i'm back

> sorry hyung i can't go 

> but pretty sure vernon and seungkwan hyung can 

**_vernon_ **

> hi

> merry christmas :))

> and yea the mall sounds good!

**_seungkwan_ **

> good morning vernon !!

> and ,,, company

**_soonyoung_ **

> wow thanks

> so me, seokmin, jihoon, jeonghan hyung, vernon and seungkwan are going right?

> seungcheol won't make it, he said he'll be going over to his parents' place too

Jeonghan sighs, shutting off his phone. His headache is starting to fade, so that's good. The only thing bothering him now is Joshua. Frankly speaking, he really wanted to see the other boy today, to apologize, or maybe to eliminate the awkward tension between them. Anything, really. 

Then he remembers the unopened voicemail.

Jeonghan feels his heart skip a beat when he realizes it's from Joshua himself. Searching for his earphones, he plugs it in, then sucks in a deep breath as he plays the recording.

_Merry Christmas, Jeonghan. I know I probably don't deserve to send this after the shitty things I did last night but-_

A pause. Jeonghan faintly hears the younger boy take in a shuddering breath.

_-I think I need some time to myself. I'm sorry. I've been entirely dreadful, I know. But…please know none of this is your fault. I hope you have a great Christmas today. Soonyoung said he wants to meet up later, too. Typical of him._

Joshua laughs. It's quiet and frail, but Jeonghan hears it anyways.

_So, yeah. I'll be with my parents for Christmas; it's been a while since I last saw them. Gotta be a good son at least, right? So…I guess I'll get going now. I lo-_

Jeonghan's heart stops. Then a long minute of silence.

_-Enjoy your day, okay?_

××××××

"Hyung, do you think it's too late to give Vernon a Christmas gift?"

Jeonghan glances back at Seungkwan, the way he's trailing behind their group as they all make their way towards the food court. There's a faint flush in his cheeks, and Jeonghan realizes the younger boy is holding in his breath as he timidly waits for Jeonghan's answer. In spite of his current worries, he allows a tiny smile to grow on his face.

"Of course it's not too late, Seungkwannie. What makes you think that?"

Seungkwan puffs out his cheeks, letting out a sigh. "It's just...I haven't been able to find the perfect gift to give Vernon yet. It's so _frustrating_. I mean, he's my roommate _and_ my literal best friend, so he's always with me."

Jeonghan nods in understanding, motioning for the other boy to continue. "Also," he adds hesitantly, the blush on his face deepening. "Vernon _knows_ how much I adore Christmas, and he's already gotten me a gift. He won't show it until later tonight though." Seungkwan pouts, and Jeonghan snorts at this. "So now, I really wanna give Vernon something, but I just don't know _what._ ''

Jeonghan hums in thought, turning away for a second to make sure Vernon is still engrossed in his conversation with Seokmin. With the others all conversing excitedly about all sorts of different topics, Jeonghan realizes he doesn't have to worry about being overheard.

"Well," he starts, glimpsing back at Seungkwan. "Has Vernon mentioned wanting anything?"

Seungkwan frowns, until Jeonghan could nearly make out the bulb lighting up above his head when the younger boy visibly perks up. "Actually, he's been wanting to get this new camera set lately. But what if that isn't enough?"

Patting Seungkwan's back reassuringly, Jeonghan smiles. "Maybe you could give him a scrapbook or something? Like, with a whole bunch of photos of the both of you."

Seungkwan seems to take this into consideration, gazing at Vernon for a split second before lighting up again. "Wait, I just got an idea. Can you cover for me and tell the others I went to the bathroom or something? Thanks, hyung!"

And with that, he dashes off in the other direction, leaving Jeonghan completely perplexed. Sighing, he jogs to catch up with the others, and Seokmin greets him with a smile.

Barely 30 minutes later, with everyone (including Seungkwan, who came back with a huge plastic bag he desperately tries to hide) seated in the food court feasting on burgers and fries, Jeonghan receives a text from Soonyoung asking the exact same question Seungkwan did, only with Jihoon as the subject.

Arching a sole eyebrow at the other boy across from him, Soonyoung not-so-subtly puts his finger on his lips in a 'shh' gesture, and Jeonghan sighs, opening the chat.

Today **12:47 pm**

**_soonyoung_ **

> _hyung do you think it's too late to give jihoon a christmas gift?_

> _pls be subtle about answering :')_

> _i don't want anyone to notice_

**_me_ **

soonyoung literally what <

and no it's definitely not too late to give jihoon a christmas gift <

what do you have in mind? <

**_soonyoung_ **

> that's the thing :((

> i wanna give him something but ,, i feel like it's too much

**_me_ **

soonyoung i'm sure jihoon would love literally anything you give him <

so what did you plan exactly? <

**_soonyoung_ **

> i was planning on having him come over later to my dorm to give him my gift

> shua hyung said he won't be coming back until tomorrow morning and i'll just kick seokmin out or something

**_me_ **

oh my god <

fuck soonyoung you're not <

planning on taking away jihoon's virginity are you ??? <

**_soonyoung_ **

> NO WHAT THAT'S NOT IT HYUNG

> i planned this whole choreography i wanna show only to him

> is it too much? too lame? pls help

Jeonghan's gaze flickers back up around their table to see if anyone caught on with him and Soonyoung texting right under everyone's noses. Only Jihoon has started to eye him questioningly, but Jeonghan merely mouths 'Shua' to him, and the younger boy nods sympathetically before going back to his food. Going back to his phone, he quickly types out an answer.

**_me_ **

shut your ass soonyoung that's literally such an amazing gift <

jihoon would definitely adore it <

**_soonyoung_ **

> oh dear god

> but thank you hyung you're literally a life saver

Jeonghan smiles to himself, before joining in on the conversation, which has somehow turned into something along the lines of 'If giraffes exist, then why don't unicorns exist too? Isn't it stranger for an animal with a 7 foot long neck to exist when an animal with a horn doesn't?'

××××××

Jeonghan is really starting to wish Joshua was here with him.

Of course, he loves all his friends dearly, but he can't help but think how much more fun and amazing it'd be with Joshua by his side. Watching his friends in the arcade, at Vernon and Seungkwan playing air hockey, with the loser having to buy ice cream for the winner, at Soonyoung and Jihoon competing in 'Dance Dance Revolution', with Soonyoung making all sorts of (intentional) mistakes and Jihoon doubling over in laughter, at Seokmin hacking at the claw machine, an abundance of stuffed toys at his feet… Jeonghan admits he feels out of place. 

At some point, Jihoon must have noticed how unusually quiet he was being. Looking up to see the younger boy approaching him, all sweaty and breathless from playing, Jeonghan offers him a smile, but Jihoon simply frowns worriedly at him.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks, and Jeonghan feels his chest grow warm at the thoughtfulness. He doesn't want to worry his precious roommate though, so he shakes his head, thinking of something lighthearted to say to divert Jihoon's attention.

"Actually," Jeonghan finally says, glancing at the other boy with what he hopes is a convincing grin. "I've been kinda stressed worrying what to give you for Christmas."

This earns a groan from Jihoon, the both of them having had this conversation before. "Jeonghan, I swear, I already told you it's perfectly fine if you don't give me anything! You getting a job and earning all this money to pay for the tap that _I_ broke is enough."

Jeonghan laughs, and Jihoon soon follows, before a troubled expression falls on the younger's face. "But, uh, speaking of Christmas presents," he begins, and Jeonghan tilts his head in confusion. "I've actually prepared something to give to Soonyoung," he says, a dark blush creeping up on his cheeks, still obvious despite the dim lighting in the arcade. "These past week, I've been making this sort of album for him. You know, with a whole bunch of songs since that's literally the only way I know how to express my feelings for him. Do you- Do you think it's okay?" he finishes hesitantly, turning to look at Jeonghan.

Blinking in surprise, Jeonghan tries to stop his gaping, but there's a genuine smile growing on his face, which only causes Jihoon to look away again. Jeonghan whistles appreciatively.

"Lee Jihoon, that's…literally amazing. I never would have even thought of giving anyone something so profound. It's sweet too, so don't worry about it," Jeonghan tells him. With a cheeky grin, he adds, "Plus, I _know_ Soonyoung's gonna love it. Love isn't even a strong enough word, he's gonna fucking _cherish_ it, okay? He's gonna cherish it so much all his SHINee albums will be jealous." 

Jihoon snorts, but Jeonghan can tell he feels better. The younger boy thanks him, before leaving again to have a rematch with Soonyoung, and it's only when he left did Jeonghan realize how nearly everyone's been asking about what gifts to give. Hell, he wouldn't even be surprised if Vernon asks him what to give Seungkwan, but at least Jeonghan knows he's already gotten the older boy a gift, so he tells himself he shouldn't worry about it.

That is, until an hour later, when Vernon _does_ ask him what to give Seungkwan as a gift just as their group starts to leave the arcade.

Jeonghan quickly wonders if they've all secretly planned this to mess with him, before letting in an inward sigh.

"But Seungkwan mentioned a few days ago how you already got him a gift," Jeonghan lies, not wanting to blow the younger's cover. "He said you'll be giving it to him by the end of the day, right?"

Vernon flushes, mumbling to himself. Clearing his throat, he says, "I lied to him. I know, I'm a terrible person, especially since I know just how much Christmas means to Seungkwan. I _did_ try to get him a gift, but I ended up procrastinating and now…" he trails off, gesturing weakly around them. "I'm the worst person alive."

Just like he did with Seungkwan, Jeonghan rubs the younger boy's back soothingly. "Don't worry about it too much, Vernon," he says, for like, the nth time today. "It's definitely not too late to give him anything. Did you have something in mind already?"

The other boy furrows his brows in deep thought, and he's quiet for a while before brightening up. "Wait, I got it! Thanks, hyung!" Vernon grins, and Jeonghan smiles back, albeit being just a tiny bit befuddled in the abrupt change of attitude. Waving it aside, he ruffles Vernon's brown locks.

"Now, let's catch up with the others before they suspect anything, alright?"

××××××

Jeonghan spends the following night alone.

He doesn't blame Jihoon or Soonyoung, or any of his friends for it, of course. They're certainly all tired from being out all day. But he can't deny how he feels like paper in the middle of a downpour, with the sky holding nothing but promises of more storms.

He never did fancy being lonely.

××××××

Jeonghan meets the next few days in a sort of trance. He goes to work in the mornings, comes back at around 3 in the afternoon, takes one hell of a lengthy nap, then spends the rest of the evening either helping Jihoon with new songs or watching terribly made movies with his roommate.

He doesn't get to see Joshua at all though, and he tries not to let it bother him too much.

Soonyoung told him earlier how Joshua's parents insisted on him staying for a few more days before they leave for LA again, so the other boy wouldn't be back for some time.

Which is totally fine. He's fine. Hell, he's _thriving_ . He's definitely not realizing how much time he spends with Joshua only now, and _of course_ there isn't a foreign cavity ballooning in his chest now that the younger boy isn't here with him. 

So whenever he's not at work laughing at Minhyuk's antics or good-naturedly bantering with Hyungwon, he'd be using up his time doing all sorts of activities, hoping it'd be enough to distract him from Joshua's lingering absence.

(Nothing was ever enough.)

Like, on the evening after Christmas, Jeonghan came home an hour early from work, and Jihoon nearly dropped his phone when he woke up from his nap to find Jeonghan _cooking_. Jeonghan, who always eats cereal for 5 out of 3 of his meals, was cooking up their dinner. Sure, he definitely isn't Mingyu, and he may or may not have set off a few fire alarms, but the chaos that ensued made him laugh with giddiness in a way he couldn't for the past week.

The next day, Jeonghan traded his precious afternoon nap to stroll around campus instead. That turned out to be a mistake on his part, because every inch of ground contained pieces and memories he's shared with Joshua, the sharp edges of each blissful fragment simply pricking at his heart.

××××××

"Jeonghan, you are _not_ going to spend New Year's eve alone. I absolutely forbid it."

Jeonghan drops his chopsticks to bury his face in his hands, unintentionally letting out an exasperated sigh. Swallowing the last of his dinner, he tosses his cup of noodles to the side. "Jihoon, it's already the 29th. I don't see what's so wrong about burrowing myself up in the dark with a bucket of ice cream, watching trashy Netflix movies while everyone else celebrates the end of the year."

Jihoon continues to stare at him, clearly unimpressed, and Jeonghan fidgets in his seat under the other boy's pointed scrutiny. "I mean," he adds, not quite meeting Jihoon's eyes. "Usually, I'd spend New Year's and New Year's eve with Joshua, but…"

Jeonghan doesn't finish, and he sees Jihoon bite at his lip. "You haven't talked to him yet?" he asks quietly, only for Jeonghan to shake his head.

"I tried to, I really did. I called him and texted him just yesterday, but he didn't reply." Jeonghan says, voice soft as he runs a frustrated hand through his hair. "You know what hurts though? Joshua called both Seungcheol and Seokmin — they told me this — meaning he's purposely ignoring my calls." Looking up to meet Jihoon's consoling gaze, he feels his throat seize up. It's been doing that a lot nowadays. "Do you think I did something wrong, Jihoon?"

The younger boy frantically shakes his head at this. "Of course not, Jeonghan. Don't you dare say you did anything wrong, because you didn't." Pursing his lips, Jihoon continues. "And Joshua said it himself, right? Just- Just give him some time. It hurts to see you so...distressed, Jeonghan."

Despite the gnawing ache in his chest, Jeonghan feels his lips curve up the slightest bit at the tenderness in Jihoon's voice. He recalls how some of his classmates wished him luck at the start of the school year once they've found out he's rooming with Jihoon, not knowing how thoughtful and caring the younger boy can be. Jeonghan suddenly finds himself feeling sorry for them.

Not wanting to trouble his dear roommate any further, he tries for a smile. "Don't worry about me too much, Jihoon," he insists, which only causes the other boy to scowl. "I swear! And, Soonyoung texted me earlier saying Joshua's gonna come back tonight. I'll talk to him tomorrow, okay?"

Jihoon furrows his eyebrows in thought, before finally nodding, albeit a bit reluctant. Jeonghan allows himself to flash the shorter boy a tiny grin.

"Now, rock-paper-scissors for who does the dishes?"

××××××

Jeonghan doesn't remember falling asleep, but he jolts awake to the sound of his phone ringing. Groaning, he rolls onto his side and swipes at his phone, too drained to check who may be calling.

"Hello?" he croaks, and oh wow, Jeonghan thinks tiredly. He sounds terrible.

"Jeonghan? Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I've been such a dick and it's literally 2 am and you must have been sleeping but I just didn't know who to call and you were the first person to cross my mind and-"

"Woah, wait, wait, wait. Shua?" Jeonghan asks, feeling his heart quickly speed up as he interrupts the other boy's rambling. Climbing out of bed and blindly grabbing for his jacket, he asks, "Are you okay? Where are you and what happened?"

"Jeonghan, I-" Joshua sniffs, and _fuck_ , Jeonghan feels his chest contract as he hears Joshua's stifled sobs. "You know the bathroom on the first floor, the one at the very end? Please, I-I need you and I'm so fucking sorry for this but-"

"Shua, it's okay, I swear. Don't ever be sorry for something that isn't your fault. I'm on my way now, okay? I'll be there in a minute," Jeonghan assures, hanging up and dashing towards the elevator.

A hurricane of thoughts whirls through his head as Jeonghan sprints the rest of the way, slightly gasping for breath as he heaves opens the bathroom door. There he was, crouched on the floor, body limp against the sink, and Jeonghan ignores the sound of his heart throbbing, wasting no time in comforting the other boy.

"Shua," Jeonghan whispers, feeling his voice waver as he tenderly cups the other boy's tear-stricken face. "How did this- What happened?"

Wiping at his tears, Joshua shakes his head, pulling Jeonghan's hands away from his cheeks. "I can't-" he starts, but then buries his head on Jeonghan's shoulder, hands miserably clutching to the front of Jeonghan's shirt.

Softly, Jeonghan holds the younger boy's trembling body, caressing his back with one hand and stroking his hair with the other. "Okay, it's okay, Shua. I'm here now. I'm here and I swear I'm not letting go. Let's go back up, okay?"

It all felt so agonizingly slow. They made their way towards Jeonghan's dorm, everything silent except the sound of Joshua's muffled whimpers and Jeonghan's pulse ringing in his ears. Still supporting most of Joshua's weight, Jeonghan quietly opens the door to his dorm, not wanting to wake Jihoon, and carefully carries the both of them to his room. As they settle on his bed, Jeonghan turns to look at Joshua, the only source of light coming from the moon squinting through his bedroom window.

"Shua," Jeonghan cautiously pleads under his breath, yearning for things to be normal between them again, for his best friend to be okay. "You need to be honest with me here, okay? You've been avoiding me, and you've been avoiding all our friends too. Everyone's so _worried,_ Joshua. _I'm_ worried. I'm so fucking scared and you won't even talk to me and I just- I don't know what to do. _Please_ , Shua. I'm here for you — I've always been here for you, but if you won't talk to me then I won't entirely know what's wrong. I-" Jeonghan's voice cracks, and he looks up for a second as he wills his tears not to fall. "I don't want to see you hurt, Shua."

A long minute of silence stretches between them, and Jeonghan's about to say something more when Joshua beats him to it. Looking up but not fully meeting Jeonghan's gaze, he says, voice barely above a whisper, "I screwed up, Jeonghan. I've been this nuisance to everyone, and I'm so sorry for it. But," Joshua meets his eyes, and even in the darkness Jeonghan can make out the tears tumbling down his face, glistening so wrongfully beautiful in the moonlight. "Jeonghan, I feel like shit. It's like, I look at myself in the mirror every morning and I feel so _disgusted._ I despise my body so fucking much but it's all I can think about nowadays. I wasn't like this before, I swear, but recently…" he trails off, his voice quavering with emotion. Jeonghan puts his hands over Joshua's, soothingly rubbing circles over his palms the way he used to do when they were younger.

Drawing in another breath of air, Joshua continues, running an unsteady hand through his hair. "I thought that, maybe if my collarbones were completely visible, or if my ribs poked out a bit more, I would feel better about myself. Maybe I would stop taking up so much space. And, Jeonghan, it felt so _good_ to not eat, to say 'no' whenever my body ached for food. I would go to bed with my stomach empty, and this feeling of control made me feel… _powerful._ But then I'd look at everyone else, like how effortlessly lean Soonyoung is, or how fit Mingyu is, and I-"

"Do you look at me like that?" Jeonghan cuts in quietly. "Do you look at me, and think you aren't good enough?"

Joshua blinks, which only causes more tears to fall. "I-I look at you and think I'll never be good enough _for_ you. Why do you even bother with me, Jeonghan? I'm pathetic and I barely do anything and-" he laughs, shaky and wounded and threadbare. Jeonghan feels a sting in his chest. "Fuck. Sorry. I just…I want to be normal again."

"Joshua, you are normal!" Jeonghan's crying now, and somewhere in the back of his head he knows he probably stirred Jihoon awake from his sleep, but he's too focused on Joshua in front of him to care. "Just because you're hurting doesn't mean you did anything wrong. This isn't your fault. _None_ of this is your fault, okay?" 

Joshua opens his mouth to say something else, but Jeonghan is quick to stop him. Trembling, he says, "Hong Jisoo, you have no idea about how I feel, do you? You have no idea that, for the past 10 years, I've been absolutely crazy about you? You're so amazing, Joshua. So, _so_ amazing. This whole time, I'd look at you, you who's so much more beautiful than all the stars in the sky. You, who's smart and brilliant and sweet and caring towards everyone, taking care of others so much you forget to take care of yourself. You light my entire soul on fire, Shua," Jeonghan breathes out, and despite the constant shaking of Joshua's head, the silent begging for him to stop, Jeonghan continues.

"You're the most beautiful person I've ever met, and will ever meet. And you don't even know it. You have no idea how beautiful you are by just _being, and_ it rips me apart to see you this way. Every single day for the past decade, my heart has made its choice, and it's always been you. For so long, I've craved the feeling of you in my bed, to have you around my arms, to memorize the shape of your lips when you call out my name. It's incredibly selfish of me, but… I want to know every line, every curve, every shiver of your body," Jeonghan confesses, wiping at the other boy's tears. 

"You're my best friend, Shua. But I've fallen for you all those years ago, and with the start of every new sunrise, I fall in love with you even more. In a way that shouldn't even be humanly possible. But I'm here and my heart isn't even beating for myself anymore. It beats for _you,_ okay? I'd give you my whole heart on a golden platter because I love you, and you can list down every awful thing you've ever done and I'll love you to the bone anyways."

Wrapping the younger boy in a tight embrace, Jeonghan can feel Joshua calming down, his shaking body coming to a still. They stay like that for a few moments, heads on each other's shoulders, limb against limb, chests so close together they can feel the other's thumping heart.

Joshua is the first to pull away, but he still holds fast to Jeonghan's shoulders. He doesn't say anything for a while, and Jeonghan counts 1…2…3…4…5 heartbeats until he finally looks up.

"Kiss me," he begs, his voice a hoarse whisper. Licking his lips, Joshua gulps, and Jeonghan wants to follow the sound down his throat. "Please."

So he complies, inching forward on his bed until Joshua's back is to the wall, lips hovering inches over the other, until finally, _finally,_ he closes the gap, igniting his entire being into flames.

Gently at first, hesitantly — until Jeonghan's mind is screaming for more because Joshua's lips are warm and soft, softer than he'd ever dreamed of, and Jeonghan kisses him with such growing need and intensity he clings to the other boy as if he was the only solid thing in this dizzying world.

Once, twice, and once again. Jeonghan kisses Joshua until he's had a taste and realizes it'll never be enough. His heart pleads for more.

But Jeonghan has to stop, to catch his breath and calm his heart, the ghost of Joshua's lips still lingering over his own. He looks at the other, so vulnerable and breath-taking under the night sky, and he whispers, voice barely audible over the pounding of his head.

"I love you, Joshua."

And then Joshua grabs him by the collar of his shirt, hand flat against his chest, and kisses Jeonghan so hard he feels the stars collide.

It's the kind of kiss that electrifies his entire being. It robs Jeonghan of his breath, only to give it back again. It's the kind of kiss that tells Jeonghan that every other kiss he's ever had was wrong.

And it's hot and passionate and clumsy, and he feels Joshua knot his fists into his shirt, pulling him harder, closer, until Joshua's body curves into his, until Joshua's sitting on his lap, legs on each side of him, and Jeonghan's body explodes with color.

He allows his hands to roam the expanse of Joshua's body, brushing against his neck, his shoulders, his collarbones, until it lands on Joshua's lower back, Jeonghan's fingertips rubbing light circles on the small strip of bare skin underneath his shirt. He feels his stomach burn as Joshua gasps, breaking away.

"Do you really mean it?" he asks softly, breath warm against Jeonghan's cheek. "Do you really think of me like that?"

Rolling his eyes, he smiles at the younger boy and tenderly tilts his chin so their eyes meet. "Well, duh, Shua. I just declared a whole speech on how I love you, and then proceeded to make out with you, so yes; I really do mean it."

Joshua laughs, a little breathlessly, but there's that usual glow on his face that Jeonghan misses so much, and he allows himself to think that yes, maybe things will be better now.

All is silent for a few more heartbeats, until Joshua whispers into Jeonghan's ear and makes his whole body shudder.

"I love you too, Jeonghan. So much it's insane. I'd rather live today with you than a lifetime with anyone else."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can y'all tell how much of a sucker i am for makeout scenes yet
> 
> wowee this was long ,,, but anyways chapter 4 will be up tomorrow loves :)


	4. i'm no angel, i'm just me; but i will love you endlessly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here's chapter 4! the last chapter will be posted tomorrow :)
> 
> oh my god but have y'all seen the latest going svt ep like ,,, why do people even bother being funny when comedy peaked with joshua hong 
> 
> also falling flower is so so good omg how do i marry a song
> 
> but anyways ,,, thank you once again to everyone who left kudos and comments y'all are so sweet <3

Once again, Jeonghan doesn't remember falling asleep, but this time he wakes to the mid-day sun blinding him with it's rays. Unhurriedly opening his eyes, he's met with the sight of Joshua curled up beside him, hair adorably tousled, his head on Jeonghan's chest, their legs tangled up like vines. 

Not wanting to wake the other boy, Jeonghan gently gets up, only to have Joshua groan. 

"Don't go," he whines, his eyes fluttering open as he clings to Jeonghan's shirt. "I don't want to get up just yet."

"Then we don't have to," Jeonghan tells him, laughing. "I mean, it's your birthday after all."

The other boy doesn't reply, and Jeonghan's about to assume Joshua fell back asleep when he blinks, and a small, confused smile crosses his face. "It's…my birthday? Already?"

Leaning down to kiss the other's forehead, Jeonghan grins. "Happy birthday, Shua."

"Did you get me anything?" he mumbles, and Jeonghan feels his heart brim with love.

"Well..." Jeonghan says. "I was thinking that, maybe your present for this year could be me." Cupping his face with his hands, Jeonghan winks at the younger boy.

Joshua merely looks away. That traitor. "Okay, well, I want a refund."

"Excuse me?" Jeonghan protests, but he can see the blush forming on the other's face, and his organs start to metamorphosize into a million butterflies.

"I mean..." Joshua starts, not quite meeting Jeonghan's gaze. "You alone is fine and all, but if you could start being my _boyfriend_ …then maybe I can reconsider." Jeonghan's jaw drops.

Dear God, if this is a dream, please don't ever wake him up.

Reddening, Jeonghan inhales to calm himself down. "This isn't a joke, right? If you're joking then I'll literally hurl myself out of this building."

"Yoon Jeonghan, would you do the honors of being gay and committing crimes with me?"

Jeonghan laughs, throwing his arms around Joshua and placing a light kiss on his nose. "Being gay and committing crimes with you is the best thing that can ever happen to me, Shua. But, can I ask something?"

Receiving a nod from the other, Jeonghan continues, pursing his lips. "When did you start liking me?"

"Oh," Joshua swallows, and a thousand unholy images flash in Jeonghan's head. "I don't know _when_ exactly. It's just, one day, I found myself staring at you for a little too long, or-" Joshua's fidgeting now, his voice becoming softer, and Jeonghan has to mentally fight himself to keep his smile from showing on his face.

"I started wondering what your lips would taste like, how it would feel against my neck, and I started wanting you to like, pinmetothewalland kissmelikeyourlifedependedonit," Joshua says in one swift breath, a scarlet blush blossoming its way throughout his cheeks. Clearing his throat, he says, "So yea, I think it was then when I knew I was beginning to have a crush on you."

At this point, Jeonghan knows he probably looks like a maniac with the way he's grinning from ear to ear. "Okay, wait. I actually _do_ have a gift that isn't myself." Opening the top drawer beside his bed, he pulls out a meticulously wrapped present and reveals it to the younger boy. "Open it." 

"How long did it take for you to get it wrapped this nicely?" Joshua mutters under his breath, but unwraps the present anyways. 

Jeonghan smiles as Joshua's mouth drops open. "'The Odyssey'? _And_ 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'? How did- How did you know I've been literally _lusting_ over these?" he asks, eyes wide in surprise as he flushes with happiness. Jeonghan thinks it's an amazing look on him.

"I noticed you looking at it the other day in the bookstore," he explains. "You kept picking it up and putting it back down, and don't think I didn't see the look on your face when you opened up your wallet and saw it was nearly empty."

Laughing, Joshua gently puts the books down on his lap. "Thank you, Jeonghan."

They stay snuggled up against each other, basking in each other's warmth, until a faint odor whisks it's way into Jeonghan's nose. 

"Hong Jisoo," he starts. "I love you dearly, but did you just fart?"

Joshua turns to look at him, but isn't _really_ looking at him. "Well…yes."

"That's okay. I don't mind you releasing your inner demons."

The younger boy snorts, and Jeonghan smiles back at him. "Hey, Shua," he asks the other boy, a teasing smile playing at the edges of his lips. "Can I start calling you pet names? Like, babe or something?"

Flushing for what seemed to be the hundredth time that morning, Joshua softly smacks Jeonghan's chest. "You can't just change the conversation like that so suddenly!" 

"Sorry, _babe_ ," Jeonghan teases, and Joshua's about to whack him again when he stops. "Do you think we should tell our friends?"

"Honestly, I don't think they'll be all that surprised," Jeonghan admits. Joshua laughs softly in return, but then looks down, fumbling with his hands.

"Jeonghan? You need to know that I'm really sorry for everything I did-"

Jeonghan doesn't let him continue though. Capturing Joshua's lips with his own, he smiles tenderly at the other, shaking his head.

"Don't be sorry, Shua. Okay? We'll take it slow, or however slow you want it to be. Just promise me you'll take care of yourself, alright?"

The younger boy nods, and with a shy smile he says, "You know, you've been kissing me a lot ever since last night."

Rubbing the nape of his neck, Jeonghan feels his cheeks heat up a bit. "Well, of course I'll be kissing you a lot more often now. Gotta make up for all those years I went _without_ kissing you."

Joshua's ears turn pink, and Jeonghan swears he could stay in this moment with him forever, just the two of them acting like no one else exists, but just then they both hear a knock on Jeonghan's door.

"Jeonghan? It's like, 1 in the afternoon now, and I was just wondering if-"

"It's okay, Jihoon!" Jeonghan yells, slowly climbing off of Joshua and helping him get up. "We- I mean, _I'll_ be out in a minute, just wait a bit."

"Yeah, okay, whatever," Jihoon grumbles from the other side of the door. A few seconds pass, and Jeonghan thinks he's gone by now and lets himself breathe when Jihoon speaks up again. 

"And, um, happy birthday, Joshua."

Jeonghan hadn't realized how terrifyingly unnerving it is to be seated in the same room with his newly-obtained boyfriend and his roommate, who's been nagging at him to confess to said newly-obtained boyfriend for the longest time now, but here he is.

After handing Joshua a change of clothes ( _his_ clothes of course, and it's unfair how he looks better in it than Jeonghan does), they sheepishly went out into the kitchen, where Jihoon was sitting. Sipping his coffee to hide the smirk on his face, he looks at them, nodding at Joshua and raising an eyebrow at Jeonghan. Jeonghan feels his cheeks turn pink. 

"Uh, hi?" Jeonghan tries, but his tone comes out more like a question, and now he just wants to crawl into a hole and drag Joshua with him. Turning to the latter, he tells him, "I'll cook some breakfast for us, okay?"

"But I'm not-" Joshua stops, biting his lip. "I- Yea, okay. Thank you, Jeonghan."

Jeonghan smiles, and was a second away from stealing another kiss from Joshua's lips when Jihoon interrupts.

"Look, I'm really happy for you guys, but can you like...do that somewhere else?"

They both turn to Jihoon, apparently having forgotten that they weren't the only ones in the room. Jeonghan grins at him.

"Don't worry, Jihoonie. If you just confessed, then, maybe you could do these kinds of things with Soonyoung too."

Walking towards the fridge, Jeonghan thinks he's succeeded in flustering his roommate, only to stop halfway when Jihoon mutters, so soft Jeonghan could've missed it, but he heard it nonetheless.

"Already did, Jeonghan."

It takes a few seconds for his words to fully sink in, but when it finally does, he gawks at the younger boy, and finds Joshua doing the same from where he's seated on the counter.

Jihoon shifts uncomfortably, avoiding the piercing gazes of both Jeonghan _and_ Joshua. "I mean, we both confessed during the Christmas party. So now we're like, dating? I swear I was gonna tell you, but you were just…you know. Caught up with other things."

Jeonghan makes a futile attempt on trying not to look like a gaping fish, but he finds it terribly difficult to stop staring at the other boy. From the corner of his eye, he can tell Joshua isn't that much better off.

"So wait," Jeonghan says, making a timeout gesture with his hands. "You and Soonyoung- You guys are official now?" When Jihoon nods, Jeonghan mutters, more to himself than to the others. "Oh my god. Can't believe _Jihoon_ got a boyfriend before I did."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Jihoon protests indignantly, causing Joshua to chortle in amusement.

"Actually," he joins im. "That explains a lot of things. Soonyoung has been weirdly ecstatic these past few days. Like, I'd catch him gazing at his phone and smiling all dopily, and I assumed he was just staring at a picture of SHINee or something. But, anyways," he says, turning to the younger boy. "Congrats, Jihoon."

Jihoon smiles in return, and Jeonghan feels his heart swell up with happiness for his roommate. Jeonghan goes back to preparing breakfast (or lunch, since it _was_ afternoon, after all), and makes some coffee for him and Joshua.

The three of them stay in comfortable silence for a while, when Jihoon suddenly jumps from his seat. "Oh, I almost forgot," he says, snapping his fingers and dashing towards his room.

Jeonghan and Joshua share looks of confusion, with Jeonghan shrugging his shoulders and settling their coffee mugs on the kitchen counter. 

"Here," he says, nudging the other boy gently. "Made it just the way you like it."

Smiling, Joshua leans in to peck Jeonghan's lips when Jihoon walks back in.

Shuffling towards Joshua, he hands out a bag with the thickest notebook Jeonghan's ever seen inside of it. "Here's my birthday present for you. Turns out I suck at wrapping gifts, but anyways," he says shrugging, and for a split second Jeonghan swears Jihoon glanced at him with a mischievous glint in his eye. "It's actually a book compiled with some of Jeonghan's most unflattering pictures."

Jeonghan's eyes bulge in surprise as he stares open-mouthedly at the foul item, with Joshua collapsing in laughter.

"Jihoon, wha- When did you even-" Jeonghan splutters, then buries his face in his hands when his complaints were drowned out by the other two's merriment.

"Oh my god," Joshua says, cheeks red as he tries — and fails — to cease his sniggering. "Jihoon, this is undoubtedly the best gift anyone's ever given me. No offense, Jeonghan." 

"Hong Jisoo, that is _extremely_ offensive." Jeonghan says, turning away from the two to place the now-cooked scrambled eggs on their plates. Scowling at Jihoon, Jeonghan adds, "Lee Jihoon, if Shua falls out of love with me because of that goddamn book, I'm suing you."

This only causes his roommate to dissolve into another fit of laughter, with Joshua leaving a soft kiss on the base of Jeonghan's jaw. "Jeonghan, I've loved you for so long now, there's literally no way a couple hundred unsightly photos of you will make me stop loving you."

Jeonghan beams, then furrows his brows in confusion. "Wait. Did you say a couple _hundred_?"

Jihoon nods, gasping for breath as his laughter dies down. "I've been planning this gift for Joshua for literal months now. Taking a bunch of ugly photos of you wasn't as hard as I expected, especially now that we're roommates."

Jeonghan nearly face-plants himself onto his plate of scrambled eggs.

××××××

"Happy birthday to you!"

Jeonghan tries not to smile as he feels Joshua startle from where they were cuddled up together on the other boy's couch, the front door slamming open as their friends bulldoze their way inside. They both turn around to meet the chorus of voices belting out the birthday song in such a cacophonous way, Jeonghan wonders if they'll all be homeless by the end of this. Of course, Soonyoung, Seokmin and Seungkwan were the loudest of them all, the three of them singing in such a vigorous vibrato that doors started flying open in the hallway, tired-looking students scowling at the 13 of them. Those three were truly a force to be reckoned with.

As their friends scuttle over to where he and Joshua were sitting, with Seungcheol holding the birthday cake and the others having their hands behind their backs, they finally finish singing, and Jeonghan releases a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Looking at all of them, at his wonderful friends for coming through when he abruptly messaged them, asking if they could help throw a little surprise party for Joshua, and Joshua himself, wide-eyed with surprise as an embarrassed smile creeps up on his face, he feels his heart overflow with euphoria.

"Oh my God," Joshua says, biting his lip to hide his growing smile. Looking up at the others, then at Jeonghan, he lets out a tinkling laugh. "It's been twenty-one years and I _still_ don't know how to respond when people sing this to me."

"Well, you can start by giving me a kiss for being such an amazing boyfriend," Jeonghan suggests, eyes crinkling as he throws an arm over Joshua's shoulders. 

"Oh no," Soonyoung cuts in, glancing at the others with a helpless expression written all over his face. "It's been bad enough with Wonwoo and Mingyu, _and_ Junhui and Minghao constantly kissing each other's faces off, but now we gotta deal with Jeonghan hyung and Shua hyung too."

Before Jeonghan could retort back, Seungcheol lightly twists Soonyoung's ear, placing the cake down on the table in front of them. "Give those two a break. They've been crushing on each other for nearly half their lives, I think they deserve to be this, um…affectionate with each other. Plus," he adds with a grin. "It's Joshua's birthday after all."

And with that being said, everyone except Jeonghan literally _showered_ Joshua in the presents they've been hiding behind them, besides Soonyoung and Seokmin, who race towards their rooms to get theirs. 

Once they've returned, they too handed their gifts to Joshua, who receives it with the biggest smile on his face. Jeonghan mentally reminds himself not to get jealous. "Holy shit," he whispers, looking down at the dozen gifts on his lap as the others start to settle down. "I can't even- Thank you guys. So, _so_ much."

"Don't you dare cry on us, Josh," Vernon warns, causing the older boy to laugh. 

"How can I not when I've got such amazing friends?"

"And one amazing boyfriend," Jeonghan reminds as he places a gentle kiss on Joshua's lips. From the corner of his eye, he sees Chan rolling his eyes at them.

"That is _so_ sweet" Junhui says as he pretends to wipe a tear from his eye, just as Mingyu comes back from the kitchen with a stack of plates and utensils in his arms. "Is it okay if we can start eating the cake?" he asks, looking at Joshua. "I made it, by the way."

The older boy nods. "Feel free to dig in. And," Joshua adds, glancing up at Mingyu with a small smile. "Thank you, Mingyu."

Beaming, Mingyu sits back down, wrapping an arm around Wonwoo's waist. "They've finally gotten together."

"Tell me about it," Seungcheol adds, swallowing a piece of cake. "I feel like some sort of proud parent."

"We're literally the same age," Joshua complains, the same time Jihoon says, "You guys would not _believe_ the amount of suffering I went through because of Jeonghan. Not a single day would pass without him being so _captivated_ over Joshua."

Jeonghan feels the blood rush to his cheeks, and turns for a second to see Joshua flushing an adorable shade of pink.

"Why is everyone so focused on me and Shua?" Jeonghan whines. "Like, I know we're both amazing and we truly make a powerful couple, but Jihoon and Soonyoung just got together too!"

Too late — Jeonghan watches as a dozen mouths hang open, and only then does he realize that, perhaps Jihoon and Soonyoung hadn't told anyone but him and Joshua yet. All was silent for a few smothering moments, until all hell breaks loose. 

Jihoon is the first to break free from his daze, glaring at Jeonghan in such a way that he had to physically restrain himself from cowering behind Joshua's shoulder. "Yoon Jeonghan, I'm going to _murder_ you," the younger boy glowers, just as Seungkwan grabs at Seokmin's arm, the both of them pointing accusing fingers at Soonyoung. "Why didn't you tell us you're dating, you traitor?" Seungkwan asks Soonyoung, only for the latter to groan and bury his reddening face in his hands as Seokmin pretends to cry on Seungkwan's shoulder.

Seungcheol, on the other hand, has started tearing up as he stares at the wall, with Minghao rubbing comfortingly at the older boy's back. "They're actually dating now. Oh my God. First Jeonghan and Joshua, and now them? I-" he stammers, then says to no one in particular, wiping the literal tears on his cheeks. "They all grow up so fast." 

Upon hearing those words fly from Seungcheol's mouth, Chan puts down his plate of cake and points his fork at the oldest. "Hyung, go get a lover already, you lonely old man!" he shouts, then doubles up in laughter as Seungcheol stares incredulously at him.

At the same time, Wonwoo gapes at Jihoon, opening and closing his mouth repeatedly. Under any other circumstances, Jeonghan would have thought it was funny, but Jihoon is _still_ scowling at him, and at this point Jeonghan is willing to give up his dignity and huddle behind Joshua if that means he can escape the other boy's glare. Mingyu however, has started to prance up and down like an excited child, towering over Junhui and Vernon as the two boys exchange defeated looks. "I knew it!" Mingyu exclaims happily, pumping his fists into the air. "Cough up, losers! I told you they would be together by the end of the year!"

Cue the complete and utter silence.

Everyone freezes, slowly turning their heads as a dozen pair of eyes land at the taller boy. Jihoon _finally_ looks away from Jeonghan, and he silently thank the gods for having such loud friends. "Did you- have you been betting on me and Soonyoung?" Jihoon directs at Mingyu, who whimpers as the other boy narrows his eyes at him. 

Before Mingyu could reply, and frankly, Jeonghan doubted he could, Soonyoung finally lifts his face from his hands, an apparent blush still present on his cheeks. "Guys, enough please? Jihoon and I _have_ started dating, but it's barely been 5 days. And we really were going to tell you about it, but I guess Jeonghan hyung beat us to it."

"Erm, sorry about that," Jeonghan says, smiling sheepishly. Clearing his throat, he continues. "Everything aside, let's not forget it's Shua were supposed to be focusing on today," he says, beaming at the other boy, who jumps when everyone whips their heads towards him.

"Um, hi," he squeaks, blushing when his voice cracks.

"Oh my god, you're literally the cutest person alive," Jeonghan mutters, lightly pecking at Joshua's cheek. 

"Jeonghan, not _here_ " the other boy mumbles, ears pink as he gestures to the others sitting around them.

"Okay, um," Chan chimes in, helping himself to another slice of cake. "I hate to interrupt you guys being all lovey-dovey but, can we like, watch a movie or something? Or play mafia?"

Joshua visibly perks up at this. "Mafia sounds pretty good, actually," he says, receiving several nods of agreement from around their little circle as Chan cheers.

Simply put, the next 3 hours were spent with Jeonghan and Minghao working together to use every form of persuasion language they know of to convince the others they weren't the mafia (it worked, and they ended up winning, much to everyone's chagrin), Joshua being the cutest, most confused cop in history, and Wonwoo continuously saving himself, which certainly didn't help everyone else's demise.

××××××

In all his twenty-one years of living, Jeonghan's sure he's never been happier than he is now.

Joshua was nestled up against his side, the both of them watching some cheesy romance movie on Jeonghan's laptop. Jeonghan couldn't pay any attention to the movie though, because Joshua is so close and so warm and he smells so good and Jeonghan can feel fireworks going off inside of him.

"Are you okay?" Joshua asks softly, promptly interrupting his train of thought, his breath hot on Jeonghan's neck. "You're breathing really fast."

"Ah, well," Jeonghan shifts on his bed, clearing his throat. "It's just, I think my arm is falling asleep. Also, have I mentioned how I'm so in love with you, Shua?"

Crimson courses through the other boy's cheeks the second those words escape Jeonghan's lips. "Where did that come from all of a sudden?" he questions, but shifts position anyways, covering his face on Jeonghan's shirt. Jeonghan reminds himself to breathe.

Trying for a laugh to disguise the way his heart feels like it's currently running a marathon, Jeonghan slowly lifts up Joshua's chin until their faces are centimeters apart. 

"It's true, Shua," he says shamelessly, knowing full well he probably looks like an absolute fool with the way he's acting all confident, but the color on his face telling a different story. With the movie on his laptop being long forgotten, Jeonghan exits the browser, putting it away before settling back on the bed.

Before he could say anything else, Joshua angles his chin upwards, looking him in the eye, and a shiver runs down Jeonghan's body as he feels soft lips meet his own.

It's tentative at first, and Jeonghan's pulse races as warmth radiates from both their bodies. He'll never get tired of _this,_ this sensation of kissing the literal love of his life. Jeonghan closes his eyes.

God, this is _everything_ to him.

Just when he thinks Joshua's about to break away, the other boy moves in closer, his hands now on Jeonghan's shoulders. An unusual feeling of desire starts to pile low in his stomach, but Jeonghan dismisses it for light-headedness. After all, it isn't every day that Joshua kisses him like this.

And then he feels Joshua run his tongue against Jeonghan's bottom lip.

Jeonghan never would have _thought_ it would trigger the reaction it did. All of a sudden, he finds himself choking back a moan, his breath hitching as he forces himself to keep his mouth closed, and feels every pint of his blood rush down his body, lower than his stomach, and Jeonghan pulls away as he wills himself not to curse.

"Stop, Shua, wait, oh my God, stop," he breathes out, the younger boy immediately climbing off of him.

"Jeonghan, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" Joshua asks anxiously. "Fuck, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that and-"

"Wait, love, it's alright, I'm fine." He takes in a deep breath, feeling his ears go red once he realizes what just happened. "It's just that- I almost, um," Jeonghan casts his eyes skyward, the scared look on Joshua's face changing to a _very_ perplexed one when Jeonghan abruptly starts whistling.

"What are you doing?"

"Jesus, I- I'm trying to make it….vanish." He finishes lamely, waving his hand vaguely above his thighs. Jeonghan wants to slap himself.

Much to his mortification, Joshua very pointedly looks down, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise. Jeonghan feels all the blood rush back to his face (but _it_ is still in plain sight, and at this point Jeonghan thinks he'll die of embarrassment) when the younger boy bursts into _extremely_ loud laughter. Praying that Jihoon won't barge in to ask what happened, he flings himself at his side, turning away from Joshua.

"Stop laughing," he whines, voice muffled by his pillow. " _You_ did this to me, you bastard."

"Oh my God, dude," Joshua gasps out in English — Jeonghan knows enough to know what it means though — and Joshua falls into another fit of hysterics.

"Don't ' _dude_ ' me!" Jeonghan cries out, and at this point the younger boy's at the brink of tears. "Fix this, Shua!"

Belatedly, he realizes what those words could imply. He watches the way Joshua freezes, a deep magenta blush creeping up his cheeks. Jeonghan's sure he doesn't look too different.

"I didn't mean it like that," he blurts out weakly. Joshua simply cocks his head to the side, before engulfing Jeonghan in a hug.

"Jesus Christ," he laughs, leaving a soft kiss on Jeonghan's neck, which only causes Jeonghan to bite back another moan. Joshua however, remains completely oblivious to his sexual turmoil. "Yoon Jeonghan, do you realize how I'm absolutely head over heels in love with you?"

"Maybe I would if you kiss my neck one more time," Jeonghan replies cheekily, turning around to meet the other boy's eyes, who only looks at him with a slight smirk. 

"I'd love to, but Jihoon's literally in the next room. We don't want him hearing how loud you would get, now do we?"

Oh sweet Lord, have mercy on his suffering soul.

Eyes widening at the bold statement, Jeonghan believes his face might explode from how devastatingly red it feels. "Hong Jisoo, you did _not_ just say that."

"Oh, but I just did, sweetheart," the other boy says without missing a beat, staring at Jeonghan with a smile playing on his lips. Jeonghan looks away.

"What's gotten into you, Shua?" he mutters under his breath, feeling the flush on his cheeks snake up to the tip of his ears. He prays the other boy won't hear his erratic heartbeats, because truth be told, to say his heart was racing would be an understatement. At this point, he concludes his ribs will end up terribly bruised with the way his heart's pounding faster than a beating drum.

Joshua doesn't reply, instead draping his arms over Jeonghan as he burrows his face on the slope of the latter's neck. "I'm just trying to enjoy celebrating my birthday with my first boyfriend," he responds, and Jeonghan feels the younger boy's lips curve up as he freezes.

"Wait. I'm your first?"

Joshua parts away from his neck, pulling himself upwards on the bed so that they're face-to-face. He raises an eyebrow at Jeonghan, as if he doesn't believe the other just asked that.

"Well, obviously, Hannie. You've been by my side the whole time. You should know I've never dated anyone before. I mean, I've liked a couple of boys, had a few crushes on girls, but…" he trails off, and Jeonghan watches the pink tint spread throughout the younger boy's face. "Nothing beats the feelings I have for you."

Jeonghan bites back a smile. "You know, I think it's about time I confidently identify myself as a raging Jisoo-sexual." 

Grabbing for the nearest pillow, Joshua slugs it at him. "And _I_ think you're gonna be the death of me. Have mercy on my heart, will you?"

Laughing, Jeonghan props himself up on his elbow. "But it's true, Shua! As a matter of fact, you were my very first crush. And even after all these years, my entire being goes absolutely feral whenever I see you."

Joshua rolls his eyes at his choice of words, but there's a fondness in the action that makes Jeonghan's bones melt. "Honestly," he starts, voice soft. "Every time I read about people being each other's 'first and last' in books, or watched about it in movies, I thought it was absolute bull. Like, those kinds of things rarely happen in real life, and I dismissed it as an overused cliche." He looks up at Jeonghan with half-lidded eyes. "Guess we're living that cliche, huh?"

Instead of answering, Jeonghan's lips _finally_ finds home in Joshua's own, the kiss shared between them so full of yearning and happiness, a kiss that reminds the other 'I love you'.

And Jeonghan ascends into utter bliss.


	5. he is half of my soul, as the poets say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the final chapter !! more like an epliogue actually but anyways
> 
> this is told from joshua's pov and the chapter title is a quote from the song of achilles !!
> 
> thank you for all the kind comments you left <3

Joshua couldn't get his stomach to stop grumbling.

Which was totally unfair, considering the fact that he'd eaten a bit of leftover birthday cake last night with Jeonghan. To make things worse, he's been having hunger pangs for nearly an hour now, and it's barely 8 in the morning. The only thing keeping him sane is Jeonghan huddled beside him, his head snuggled near his shoulder, one hand resting limply on Joshua's waist. The downside to this though, is that Jeonghan's other hand was directly propped on top of his crotch.

(Joshua finds himself not minding it as much as he's supposed to.)

Frankly speaking, it's truly a wonder how Joshua managed to keep his heart from leaping out of his chest this whole time. Especially when thinking back to last night's events.

Feeling a blush start to tint his cheeks, he tries to steady his breathing. God, things between him and Jeonghan escalated so _fast_ , Joshua could barely keep up.

Not that it was a bad thing or anything. After years of crushing on his best friend, to find out Jeonghan actually likes him _back_ was an unexpected surprise. Still, despite everything the older boy told him, Joshua can't help but find it hard to believe. He isn't anything special.

After a few more painful moments of his stomach rumbling, Joshua slowly gets up, not wanting to wake the other boy. He silently pads over to the kitchen, wanting to get a glass of water in hopes of filling his stomach up a bit, but does a double take when he realizes Jihoon's already awake, all dressed up in a dark turtleneck, a coat, and fitted black jeans.

The younger boy looks up from where he's drinking his cup of coffee. "Morning," he waves, his voice still heavy with sleep. Rubbing his eyes, he takes another sip from his cup.

"Hi," Joshua greets back with a small smile, though he can't resist the confusion spreading on his face. "Um, is it okay if I ask why you're up so early? Jeonghan used to rant about how you'd never get up unless it's at least an hour after noon."

Jihoon snorts at this, and Joshua gets himself his glass of water while waiting for the other boy to speak. "Well," he starts, somewhat hesitant. "Just that, Soonyoung wanted to go out today, with it being New Year's and all. The only problem is, he's coming over to pick me up at 9. I swear, that scoundrel wakes up so damn _early_."

Joshua laughs, leaning back on the kitchen counter. "Is this your first date then?" he teases.

A blush blooms on Jihoon's usually pale cheeks. Before the younger boy could reply, they both are interrupted by a loud cough, and they look over to where Jeonghan is standing. Joshua feels his mind goes blank the second he casts his eyes on the older boy. His _boyfriend_.

Looking away, Joshua tells himself to breathe. He's finding it extremely difficult though, because Jeonghan's a mere few feet away from him, his blond hair gloriously disheveled, the black shirt he's wearing sliding down to reveal every part of fair skin from his collarbones to his shoulder.

Jihoon, on the other hand, stares skeptically at the older boy. "Jeonghan? What are you doing awake before 10?"

Cocking his head to the side, Jeonghan pouts. "I could ask _you_ that. But I assume you're going on a date with Soonyoung?" he asks, already aware of the answer as he skips over to Joshua, pecking him on the lips, and Joshua feels his face heat up.

"Shua," Jeonghan whines, and Joshua wants to smack him. "Why'd you leave me in bed alone? I thought yesterday was some sort of dream or something. You almost made me cry, love."

Well, fuck him.

His heart jumps so fast and so hard he feels it slam into his chest. Once again, he feels the blood rush to his cheeks. Jesus, it's way too early to be reduced to a blushing disaster.

He was saved from looking like a complete fool when Jihoon loudly clears his throat. "If you'll excuse me, I have a date to get ready for. Have fun, lovebirds." And with that, he places his cup on the sink and disappears into his room.

"Well," Jeonghan says once Jihoon's gone. Turning to Joshua, he offers a cheshire grin, and Joshua feels his legs turn to mush. "How about we go on a date too?"

××××××

Fast forward to an hour later, and Joshua's really wondering what in the hell does Jeonghan see in him.

Staring at himself in the mirror in the restaurant's bathroom, he frowns, squeezing at his sides. Jeonghan left him absolutely flustered when he commented on how 'amazingly gorgeous' he looks in his ripped jeans, but now Joshua's having second thoughts.

Of course, he really does love his too-good-to-be-true boyfriend for planning all this for the both of them. It was sudden, sure, but when Jeonghan hauled his pathetic ass to the mall, stopping every few seconds to take cheesy pictures near the mall's tacky Christmas decorations, and then dragged him to this lavish seafood restaurant for something as simple as breakfast, Joshua thinks his heart is about to burst from how _happy_ he is.

But now, as he studies his reflection, he questions why Jeonghan would settle for someone like him. He did try to eat, to enjoy this wonderful time spent with his wonderful boyfriend, but maybe…no, he's certain he shouldn't have eaten so much.

Joshua wishes his head could stop acting like some sort of damn calculator.

Sighing, he leans over the sink and buries his face in his hands. He thanks his lucky stars no one else was in the toilet with him to witness his mental breakdown.

He tries to calm himself, to reassure himself that it's okay, when a voice calls out.

"Shua?"

He jerks away from the sink, heart racing. Hovering near the door, Jeonghan must have sensed something wrong when Joshua doesn't say anything, because he immediately rushes over to his side.

"Are you okay?" he asks softly, breath tickling Joshua's ear as Jeonghan hugs him from behind. Joshua finds himself leaning into the comforting touch. "You've been in here for nearly 10 minutes."

"I'm sorry," Joshua says, looking up at the older boy. "I'm…okay. I think." Jeonghan frowns at this, and Joshua tries for a laugh to lighten the mood. "It's okay, Hannie. I just- I got caught up with my thoughts. Again. I'm sorry."

Jeonghan shakes his head, then places a soft kiss on Joshua's forehead. "Stop saying sorry, love. You have nothing to be sorry for. And please don't doubt yourself or anything, you know I love you, right?" With a small smile, the older boy leads him out the bathroom by his shoulders. "Now that we're done with breakfast, what do you say about enjoying the rest of our day as two drop-dead gorgeous boyfriends without a care in the world?"

××××××

"Jeonghan, oh my _God,_ put me down, you ass!"

The older boy simply laughs, his cheerful laughter echoing through the dimly lit road as he remains deaf to Joshua's protests. It had started to snow, but even the growing cold can't tamper with the warm, fluttery sensation he feels in his stomach.

After a few more hits directed at Jeonghan's back, he finally puts Joshua down from where he's slung over his shoulder, lacing their fingers together as they dance through the empty streets. Joshua knows there's a stupid smile plastered on his face, but with Jeonghan beside him, their hands swinging to the beat of their hearts, he couldn't care less.

"Hey, Shua," Jeonghan calls out softly, and Joshua turns to see the other boy pointing at the sky. "The sunset is so beautiful, isn't it? All of this just… feels so ethereal."

Joshua looks up, where the sky is indeed painted a beautiful array of yellows and pinks and reds, before glancing back at the other boy, a grin growing on his lips. "You know what else is beautiful?"

"Please say it's me."

Joshua laughs, leaving a tender kiss on the older boy's cheek. "Yes, you, no matter how annoying you can get at times."

Jeonghan puts a hand over his chest in mock hurt. "Hong Jisoo, you truly wound me at times," he says, shaking his head in disapproval.

Joshua rolls his eyes, looking away with a fond smile. In truth, he wants to say something more, to compare Jeonghan to the sun or the moon or the limitless stars in the sky, but all he can do is stare.

××××××

Joshua didn't know how he got to this point, how he ended up in this one huge sleeping bag with Jeonghan warmly squished beside him, so close he can hear his heartbeat. Their fingers are intertwined, the both of them in the city's central park as they lay underneath the starry sky, just two specks of stardust in this vast universe. It all still feels like a dream. 

"Isn't this perfect?"

Stirring, he glances over at the older boy, who's sporting a smile on his face so bright it sets his soul ablaze. The words stay stuck in his throat though, because Jeonghan is so, _so_ breathtaking. His eyes are sparkling and there's a lovely pink flush on his cheeks, his blond hair soft under Joshua's palm. He still smells like the hot chocolate they had earlier, and Joshua yearns to have another taste.

Stopping his thoughts from diving down the drain, he points at the sky. "You know, I learned a couple of constellations recently in my astrology class."

"Tell me about them."

Joshua bites back a smile, moving his arm to point to a cluster of stars. "That over there, that's Aquarius. It's usually thought of together with Ganymede, this one prince in Greek mythology. Apparently, he was so handsome that Zeus kidnapped him and whisked him off to Olympus to be his personal cupbearer."

Jeonghan laughs at this, and the sound sends a shiver down Joshua's back. Continuing, he adds, pointing higher up. "And I'm pretty sure that one over there, the one shaped like a zigzag, is Cassiopeia. She's that one scatterbrained queen who kept boasting about her self-proclaimed unrivaled beauty, remember?"

Grinning, Jeonghan nods. "Yeah, you mentioned it before. Something about how she chained her daughter to a rock hoping the gods would forgive her, right?"

In spite of himself, Joshua finds himself staring, mouth ajar, before clearing his throat, hoping Jeonghan didn't notice. In all honesty, he never expected the other boy to actually _remember_ his frequent rantings about his interests.

"Surprised you paid attention," he mutters, more to himself, before diverting his focus to another throng of stars in the north. "And that one is Pegasus. Fun fact, it's actually the seventh largest constellation in the sky."

When Jeonghan doesn't reply, Joshua turns his head, only to find the older boy staring back at him. With a teasing smile planted on his lips, he cuts in, saying, "I can't help but think that, despite all the stars above our heads, you're much more heavenly to look at, Shua."

And there goes all the breath in Joshua's lungs.

He must have had a stupid-looking expression on his face, because Jeonghan giggles, kissing him lightly on his lips. There's clamorous noise from hundreds of other families and couples all around them, but all Joshua can hear is the thumping of his heart and the softness of Jeonghan's breath.

Swallowing his nervousness down his throat, he looks at the older boy, the two of them content in each other's arms. "Thank you for today, Jeonghan," he says, voice close to a whisper as he blinks back tears because, _Christ_ , there's so much happiness and love inside of him, he barely knows how to act.

Jeonghan beams, so radiantly it rivals the overhead lamps, and presses their foreheads together. "And thank _you_ for choosing to be with my ridiculous ass."

"I'll never choose anything _but_ you, and I don't care how ridiculous your ass will get."

Before Jeonghan could respond back, excited shouts surround them as everyone erupts into countdown. Jeonghan laughs — from excitement or from Joshua's startled expression, Joshua doesn't know — and the other boy pulls out something from his coat pocket. Joshua glances at him, confused, but Jeonghan just shakes his head.

"10, 9 ,8...!" Everyone around them screams, enthusiastic as they wait for the seconds till the fireworks appear. But he remains fixated on Jeonghan, who puts the object above their heads, and says something above the chatter that makes Joshua's entire face flame a vivid shade of cherry-wine red.

"Hong Jisoo, my beloved sweetheart, I think you owe me a mistletoe kiss."

"7, 6...!"

"Wait, _what_?"

"5, 4...!"

"Kiss me, Shua."

"3, 2, 1!"

The words stay stuck in Joshua's throat, so he doesn't force himself to speak. Instead, he kisses Jeonghan, just as fireworks explode, incandescently and bright, cheers surfacing from everywhere in the park. Joshua doesn't care though; he brings Jeonghan closer, tightening his hold on the older's shirt as Jeonghan runs his hands through Joshua's hair, before travelling down his back.

He's kissing Jeonghan until they're on the grass, Jeonghan on top of him, and Joshua tells himself to memorize this moment, to know by heart the feeling and shape of Jeonghan's lips on his own, the slope of Jeonghan's shoulders and the gentle curve of his waist. They kiss like two lost soulmates, finding comfort only in each other, until Jeonghan pulls away, gasping for air. There's a smile on his lips, soft and so divine, and Joshua wants to give him the world.

"I love you, Shua," he murmurs softly, and Joshua sighs contentedly, warmth blossoming in the cages of his ribs, a smile of his own breaking out on his lips.

Gently cupping the other boy's chin to bring him closer, Joshua lightly strokes Jeonghan's cheek. "I love you too, Hannie."

And their lips meet once again, kissing until they're breathless and their lungs run out of air, and Joshua reminds himself once again that, yes, he _is_ happy, happier than he's ever been, and he's got Yoon Jeonghan to thank for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for sticking with this trainwreck omg it makes me so stupidly happy :(( i hope y'all don't mind how different in length all my chapters are hhhh
> 
> so yea this concludes my very first au !! i'll definitely be writing more, so if you have any ships or requests you want me to do i'll try my best to write them!
> 
> i have a short soonhoon one-shot i'm currently writing, thank you again for reading this !! 💗

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave kudos + comments if you enjoyed !! i love y'all's <3


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